01:13 (AM) 

Okayy today I’m reallyyy going to the doctor’s. I hope I’ll have enough energy and confidence this time. 

Note to future self: this is another turning point. There should be an end to doctor’s visits without going home with a solution that makes you feel the best way in the long term. I still have a lot of symptoms I don’t talk about 24/7. I don’t intend to die before having set up my company and also not without having met my B in this new context. 

Without being able to identify myself, I really don’t like to go outside… 

Meoww one day I’ll be the happiest version of myself and then you’ll be able to see this in my writing and feel the same effect of emotional happiness. 

Moge elke dag beter zijn dan de vorige, voor ons allen

Good night [I define the night as after 12 am and before 6 am]

xxx – 

02:41

[I write when I have “inspiration” to write.]

I just brushed my teeth. I think, to make tomorrow’s visit less “worrisome” [when it comes to my last attempt of living symptom free], I should translate my symptoms to German in advance. 

  • Vermoeidheid = Müdigkeit 
  • Heel regelmatig urineren = Sehr regelmäßig urineren
  • Pijn op de borst bij aanraking = Schmerzen in der Brust bei Berührung
  • Pijn bij mijn onderrug = Schmerzen in meinem unteren Rücken
  • Afname van spierkracht = Abnahme der Muskelkraft
  • Kortademigheid = Kurzatmigkeit

The list is actually so endless that I always forget it when I write it down and when I feel the complaint in real life, I don’t think of writing it down. 

      ~•~ 

      07:55 (AM) 

      Good morning! 

      I’m now walking back to where I’m staying. At the reception I was first asked to pitch why I’m there and then to show my insurance card. After I told her that I’m insured in the Netherlands and my bag is stolen, she said that they don’t help foreign people “here”. Meoow I what the fuck should I do now? :'( What if today doesn’t bring clarity either? My house mate will get too annoyed and complainy from my depression that comes from being unsuccessful in my eyes and from my health complaints. Or maybe not. I shouldn’t write things down here and not say them in real life, says one side of me. Another side of me says I should. It’s both out of love: if I say what is really on my mind, in this situation – something I have also not written down, but my writings come closer than my real-life words – it will lead to very definitive words, because if someone else keeps making me feel even worse about myself – I feel bad about myself because I haven’t accomplished all of my goals yet – my heart wants the uttermost distance. But I don’t want to hurt those who are/seem loyal. At the same time, I write them down, because if I don’t – since I don’t say it out loud – I vent my hurt by writing about it, because talking about (solely) those feelings leads to more hurt every time. 

      Why do I only get more stuck every time, while I’m working twice as hard to get myself out of this instead of in it?

      I now don’t want to go to the doctor’s even more. But I feel so fucked up and I cannot bother someone I met not so long ago, for so long. It eats at me. In a situation like this, “my parents” are the (only¿) people I can approach for help – I write it here for my readers, too, hoping that they see the good in me and the benefit in it for them and help me and I really hope one day, someone will – but I really never want to see them [“my parents”] again. Don’t tell me to do “zand erover”, because I’ve done that often enough. When I say that I’m done with someone, I’m really done with someone. I don’t mind separation. The list of chances and reasons why is endless. 

      I should look for another doctor’s office, but I’m afraid to hear that they will refuse to help me there, too. In the Netherlands, it’s the same shit. I didn’t sign up for that. It makes me want to say: “Joh, dan ga ik toch helemaal niet naar de dokter? Dan sterf ik toch maar gewoon en gaat de hele wereld zichzelf nog verder naar de klote helpen?” But I never say it out loud, because I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to sound cocky and I don’t want to give in to the desperate and ferocious emotion that makes me want to say this. This health struggle is keeping me from working on my business. 

      ~•~

      10:09

      Cuddles to South Africa and Spain for being new in my top 5 of countries where my websites are viewed the most. And to Sweden for passing the Netherlands and now being the number 1 in my top five :). 

      I hope I’ll meet my readers all over the world! 

      I’m back at giving in to my fatigue. Yet still not the ability to fall asleep. My present eats at me, too. My love feelings and love life need to be synced up much better. Partially because I keep too much to myself. I’d love to speak about it, but only when I’m sure that people want to do this, because they want to know and not because they want to hurt me. Another factor is that deep down I’m going insane – as in that I actually feel like screaming and throwing myself to the ground and stuff – because I’ve stranded here. After a while, if someone keeps saying that my life and my business are a joke, I always get the need to seclude myself from that person for good. In the situation I’m in now, that’s so fucking impossible. But still somehow this needs to end, because this is not good for anyone. I’m afraid to say it in real life, because I’m afraid he’ll read it and I don’t want to break his heart. Even though him generalizing my work and saying “that it’s obvious why no one likes it” has shattered so much for me already. The issue is the unpredictability. 

      If you really love me – so fast – and you are loyal, I want to keep you in my life forever. If I don’t have a feel for becoming monogamous/polyamorous, then through my business. Because of the path I have chosen, I want to have that connection with as many people as possible. Equal levels of attention are important. 

      I’m going to try to catch some rest and try to save myself again. That saving myself shit wasn’t intended to be a fucking frequent motive. So much drama x_x. And still no B :'(.

      ~•~

      18:42

      Oh, I forgot to log that yesterday I met a very nice friend of my house Cuddle. I thought that those who feel incentivized to study things media related, are all pro today’s culture of all following the same script and repeating it until the end of time and never really change anything. But he opened my eyes! We had a very nice conversation. I gave him all of my business cards – I’m so desperate ahahahahahaha – for him to give to his fellow Graeynissis. Today, I’ve received a very long email from him. If there’s one thing I love, it’s very long emails! If it’s up to me, you’ll definitely hear more from him [and my house Cuddle! Without the distortion of my distorted personality, you’ll see a different side of him, if he would like to “be more online”] throughout the rest of this life that includes D.O.C.I.S. International and Project Nosce Te Ipsum… And LilFangs.com! Haha :D. 

      I think I should change the function I’ve given. The head should like to do the math. Since he doesn’t like maths, maybe he would like to officially draw out my concept of the corporate compounds? Maybe he would like to draw me an infographic as well… But after the €140, me not expressing all of my emotions in real life and being bed petty all of the time, I’m too afraid to be laughed at or rejected :(.

      ~random intermezzo~

      Here are some pictures of the dinner I made yesterday:

      Eins

      Zwei

      😀

      ~•~