[On Friday, November 1, 1996, 21:15, this wild Cuddle came into existence.]
Good morning ♥
The cold is keeping me wrapped up, underneath the sheets. But I really need to get out of bed, because breakfast is until 10 am.
I expected to feel lonely, but actually, I feel so comfortable and happy about spending this day by myself.
It would be even better, if I could finally meet my dear readers in person, but I won’t spend my time wishing for something I can’t control. As in: I can’t teleport you to Berlin and make you say, “Fuck it,” to your unwanted weekday obligations. That must be your own independent decision.
I wish I could keep the level of comfort I will give myself today, or upgrade it.
So on the 26th my father told me that I can hand in my house key and that if I ever decide to come back, he’s going to make the psychiatry shit even worse. I hope you can understand my reasons why I’d rather die than go home ever again. I don’t feel like explaining this to the people who are brainwashed by the: “You must keep your family close,” sentiment, while they don’t even know why they’re saying it.
I’m going to take a shower xxx
A picture I took before I started to eat:
I haven’t responded to any “happy birthday” messages yet, but they’re starting to pile up. I’m so ready to devote the rest of my life to “making big shifts”, that I’m on the edge of ending every relationship of my past life, which still partially is my present life. Many words are needed to break down what I exactly mean by this.
In a little while, I’ll be packing and checking out. Before I start my 6 hour drive, I want to purchase extra work out pants and go to an ATM. I’ll be staying in a sports and spa hotel, and the single set of work out clothes I had with me, are dirty, so…
I’ll be driving
I’m now near Weimar. Had to stop for gas again. The tank of the Renault Clio I’m driving goes empty very fast. [Online, I reserved a CCMR class car, which contains a 2-door Mini, an Audi A1, or something similar. Is this really similar…?] My style of driving isn’t “””economical”””, without a turbo engine. My top speed with this car is now 203 km/h.
I decided to respond to the text messages I’ve received. Later, I’ll go over my Facebook wall. It feels random, receiving “happy birthdays”, while this is another ice cold day of homelessness, without being homeless yet. My predicted date of official homelessness is now the 8th November.
Cuddles to myself for giving me birthday comfort. The thing I like about this room the most, is that it has a scent similar to Benoît’s perfume/cologne. Super Cuddle 😻
This hotel is so pretty! And there are such handsome staff members 😻. I’m now in the restaurant. I ordered pumpkin soup and entrecote.
After this, I hope I can swim some. The pool is open until 23:00! [I’m used to pools closing at like 7 or something.] There’s a tablet in my room. Meoww the level of luxury here exceeds the price!
For longer than a year, I had been feeling a constant pressure all over my body. I can finally slowly feel it fade. Partially, I don’t know why I now feel this relief, because my current financial status says that I’ll be out on the street by next week Thursday. But I am going to max out this feeling that I always used to have, in the few years [in between age 17 and 20] I considered the peak of my life, which is now coming back to me.
It felt like a peak, because of the way my reasoning had developed itself. My thoughts were so peaceful and I had a perfect overview of everything. This was only on the inside of me. On the outside, I was surrounded by so many people who kept talking down on me. Every time I expressed myself, and I made a positive statement about myself, people tried [try] to prove me wrong.
I think this feeling of inner peace is getting back, because I’m coming closer and closer to leaving my old life behind. Even if I were to become homeless, I still won’t have to spend time with those who inflict their negativity and hurtfulness on me. They always try to tell me: “No, stop it, Dominique. You’re not the kind hearted and ambitious person you say you are. You’re just like everyone else here.” So many people lack confidence. Some have this because they aren’t strong, others have it, because the people who aren’t strong are jealous of them and they talk them to their level.
At the peak of my life, I was confident. After more than a year of modern shock therapy – they did it again, when I went to this psychiatrist in Amsterdam, with my parents – my confidence has been brought down a lot. When I distance myself from that [huge] group of people, who believe that I belong in that world – it’s just that 90% of their conversations is gossip and shit talking, they don’t have much else to talk about, I can’t even act as if I care about gossip anymore, so I think I make up a large part of their conversations behind my back, and they want to keep that “gossip fire on”, so they ask me to stay in their lives – I think this pressure will fade and never come back.
I don’t even like that most of my diary, these people are mentioned, but this is where I vent. I need to make new memories – for that, I need new friends – for this reason to vent to vanish. One day, this diary will become so different and much more versatile.
I just came back from swimming. It was very relaxing! This is sooo chill! I wish I could stay longer…
Here comes the AfterWaterFangs picture collection:
Oh, and I took these pictures earlier:
I’m going to head to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a very full day!
Good night, my sweet Cuddle ♥