11:16

Good morning :]

I’m killing some time before my next check-in. I guess, to be understood by my non-blog readers, I need to be A LOT more direct. I consider being direct, a form of barbarian unpoliteness. 

The person I called my Cuddle, I gave that title way too fast. Something I always try to figure out when I meet someone new is: “Can you hear my thought frequency?”/”Do we have a similar personality?”

But when that person’s sole intention is to get in my pants, of course everything will seem similar and positive. The night when I didn’t post, on the 6th, was when I realized I was getting myself further stuck in a life I should not be living. 

I can become very close to someone in a friendship, when I think that I can trust that person. It is often mistaken for this type of relationship in which you’re monogamous, but not married. Even, “You’re my girl,” I, at first, interpreted as a statement that was built solely around a friendship, and nothing more than that. I lose hope when a few shallow conversations and chilling 5 days (in a row) lead to the wish for a marriage in which the stagnate life of one – not me – stays exactly the same. 

So when I say, “Book me a ticket to California,” I’m saying that, because I feel like I need to dash out. I’m afraid to get beaten or eaten when I say that there is nooooo intention from my side, to say “Yes, that’s him. We’re dating.” 

And then, my perspective isn’t even asked. I just suddenly hear: “I expect these rooms to be clean by tomorrow.” I thought it was a joke. There’s no way I’ll ever do that. To become a housewife, who cooks and cleans someplace where the cleaning is done once a year. Once. A. Year. 

So when I saw that the place I have until Sunday, is 15 minutes from my previous place – s/o to my mother for not letting me sleep on the street tonight – both feelings of “yay” and “nay” became twice as strong. 

“Yay”, because I don’t think that I would have been able to fight off my suicidal tendencies, if I would have become homeless again. Especially not when my phone is about to die, and I have so much luggage that I don’t think “Oh, I’ll go here for a cup of tea,” or anything, so I would be straving and feeling like the situation is the same situation as when I was missing, all over again. The “yay” is also for keeping my independence and not thinking: “Oh, it’s very nice that I can stay here. If I get a job, I can then get my own place next month and stay here until I get it.” Because who says that I’ll be able to pack in all of my luggage again and casually leave? 

That also leads to the “nay”. The person who is closest to me, currently, in terms of location, is the person whose amount of “love” leads to a great level of unpredictability. My parents are a 7 hour drive away from me. So to hear: “I’m giving you a place to sleep until Sunday, I won’t let you go to California, no matter how much you want it. There are other options too. We can think of those options, if you really don’t want to come home,” made me want to scream out of fear. Why leave me here? It’s so easy for them to fix a place in California for me. 

Everywhere I go, now, I’m afraid to see that one “Cuddle”. For my “safety net” to just leave me here, is another factor that sparks my worries. After them saying: “After you get your gymnasium diploma, we won’t interfere with your decision making anymore,” and them then demotivating me from doing business, by listing everything that can go wrong, “with facts”, not wanting to invest in me and at some point even forcing me – I’m talking about the usual dosage of parental intimidation – to unsubscribe my business and to live 9 – 5, I thought shit couldn’t get worse. But it just did. And this right after my 22nd birthday. I’ll carry this shit around with me, for the rest of my life. 

The gap between the masses, who are “connected 24/7” and us, is so large, that I could basically get kidnapped and no one would know. But when I tell people who I consider part of the masses that I’m Lil Fangs, they see me as someone who hit rock bottom, who makes things that aren’t suitable for the masses “and thus not good”. Somehow it also leads to them thinking that they need to teach me shit? There’s nothing more annoying, to me, than someone who is not as intelligent as I am, to treat me as if I don’t understand life, and to then lecture me on shallow shit. 

In the meantime, I’m writing down an alternative structure for the D.O.C.I.S. International holding:

*insert image later pls don’t forget it lol*

I’m hesitant with sharing my exact location. I made some other pictures on my way here. I’ll share them when I’m in my hotel room. I’m killing some time here where I am right now, until checking in. Feeling slightly awkward, because I have even more luggage now, and I’m staying there for only 3 nights. But I’m learning how to not give a fuck very fast now :D. The situation I’m in feels like such a peak, I can’t help but express how I truly feel and repetitiously tell myself [not out loud…] that those who talk about me behind my back, are empty talentless shells, who are jealous of my capacities. 

15:56

Double s/o to my mother. The room I’m in is very chill. From my window, I’m looking out over one of the most popular streets in Berlin. Or should I say the most popular street in Berlin? 

I miss this “Cuddle”… It’s strange. In the context of his vision on our relationship, I do not miss him at all, but I miss being around someone with a personality that is at least a tiny bit similar to mine. If the right topics of conversation are discussed, it’s great. But I just shouldn’t go back, I think… I can’t do it, because I can’t predict his response and how to anticipate on that, when I say that I won’t be staying with him. And that I might leave Germany soon. Especially if it’s in his own home, I don’t dare to speak those words, that might hurt him.  

I thought hotels weren’t allowed to have rooms that allow smoking, these days… Ahahah it’s very chill that it’s (still) allowed (here).

17:10

So when people who live closer to the equator speak of barbarians in the north, do they then mean the north of Germany as well? I know they must think of most of the Netherlands. 

I just went back to my previous apartment to return the key to the luggage storage, I forgot in my pocket, when I rushed myself to the exit, when my taxi arrived. 

It feels so random to enter a building, by opening a safe outside, and to then in that safe find the key to open the main door. Solely to go inside and place this magnetic box back in the place where it was hidden.

I’m taking the S-bahn back. I found the ticket machine this time. Oof, that fine I don’t want to pay x_x.

The final reforms for D.O.C.I.S. International [I always say “final”…] are looking great. I can’t wait to break them down in D. O. C. I. S.

But first, I need to eat. All I’ve eaten today are a plum and some speculaas (in Dutch)/Spekulatius (in German). I thought there would be an option to eat something, when I was in the library. But after putting so much effort in getting a temporary (free) membership and finding a place to sit – it was very busy – I felt like going outside and coming back after eating, was too much, for some reason. It was a 30 minute walk there. I timed walking back to the apartment, where my luggage was, with the arrival of the taxi I had ordered for 3 pm. 

18:09

Meowww

Haha, I was already wondering what my alternatives were going to be. I offered them to put their real estate project into practice, as a temp job, and then keep an eye on their projects. It was just an impulse, via text, since we were talking about what my options are. That offer was refused right away, because they want to think about it more. They have been thinking about it since 2012. My option”s” is come back to the Netherlands and have some more family therapy sessions. That’s not going to happen, man. I prefer death over that. But without a hug from Benoît, I will feel like I’ve ended my life too soon. Like I missed out on that highlight. I need that hug…… 

Een visje 😻

19:11

“Lol” my cards just got declined x_x. But it’s fixed. I detest asking my parents for money, though x_x. 

20:50 

Het drosteneffect just reached level 6 :p

My butt has shrunken x_x

Things like this cause understanding problems: [Or should I say “problems in understanding”?]

-> = means – bedeutet – betekent

was (EN) -> war (DE) -> was (NL) 

war (EN) -> Krieg (DE) -> oorlog (NL) 

Something messy that is untouchable [like my worries when it comes to my (financial) future, “mess” doesn’t apply in this context] (EN) -> I can’t find a German translation of this (DE) -> war (NL) [“Ik ben in de war” (NL) = “I’m confused” (EN) in the way that makes you scream “CHOCOLATEEE” like that one fish in that Spongebob episode]

21:33

Starving shouldn’t be a part ever x_x

This says: “In drawings, write down the full strategy [since it’s now actually just a zillion snippets] for D.O.C.I.S. International and a happy Fangs. It saves time + the concept of time is driving me crazyyy!”

I didn’t know that I was supposed to give him money for the picture x_x

23:29

Good night my loves ♥