09:49 (AM) 

Good morning, my love <3

I just woke up in the freakiest way possible:

When I opened my eyes, I looked mother right in the eye. She had that look in her eyes again that makes me feel like a failure and gives me cropped up anger, because she looks at me in that way. I actually wanted to scream and attack her, because I freaked out and “why the fuuuuuck does she look at me sleeping?????” But I managed to “mentally pull myself together” fast, and said, “Good morning,” in a fast and slightly formal sounding way. 

She said: “Good morning. We’re going to Amsterdam. What time are you going to leave?”

“Around twelve. Are you going to that therapist again?” [The therapist they go to to complain about how much of a pain in the ass child I am, for which she used extortion on me. I’m referring to this post.]

“Yes. We might already be back around that time.”

“Okay. See you later.” I closed my eyes again. I woke up tired, from the second nightmare I had. They both related to the way these people make me feel like dying. 

Yoo I need my own place… But I can’t even go to Milan anymore, because of my health expenses. “Dus laat staan” renting an apartment… My mother told me that “they” [That’s her + my father] might give me back half of the health expenses. I WANTED TO SAY: “KEEP IT. I’LL GET MY SHARE ANOTHER WAY.” But I said: “Okay,” because I need avoid her calling the acute dienst on me again [I would let out sooo much anger….] I need it so desperately… I still need to pay my Dutch monthly insurance fee [I DO NOT want to be insured here anymore TO THE POWER OF INFINITY (AND BEYOND), but it’s mandatory], my web hosting costs and my phone bill… 

Ah meoooow I need to tell you soo much about the last two days, still. I’ll show it to you in pictures:

Me going to the bathroom right before impulsively going to the city center with someone I just met, thinking: “Should I really do this?” And then thinking: “Yess. I wouldn’t care if something bad would happen.” I had a nice time :].

I made a picture of these doors, because I thought them being B-sized was hot asfff [=as fuck]. Benoît is tall and hot, so these doors are tall and hot ahahaha¿

There’s another picture in yesterday’s post

I wanted to be at home with this, because I feel that at home, my stress levels are different.

My stomach hurts so much that I can’t hold in my stomach the way I usually do when I take a picture

Meoww I hope I will be able to tell you about how the night two days ago was cool [and I ended up sleeping in my own room, by myself, the way I wanted to], how I find my doctor so crazy attractive that I want to befriend him [I gave him my business card, too :D. He’s on my mind often, now. He’s so goood with his hands [I’m talking osteopathy. And he plays the piano, toooo] and he untied my bra strap with one hand and reattached it at oncee omggg I lakeddd [without mentioning it]. He was the first person who has ever done that awesomeness to me, in my entire life. Aside from myself… Benoît still has the high score of being in my thoughts, though], how I’ll be going back to Düsseldorf today – but I can’t spend the night there, because I’m broke asf – and how another person ended up asking my phone number, in one of the most spontaneous and kind ways I’ve experienced this far, while I was standing in line to order my salad and that my visit to the gynaecologist was so expensive, I became even more worried about my financial future. 

I’m thinking of placing click ads on here… Then, I’ll need to buy a personalized online privacy and terms and conditions statement, though… 

Ohh and I want to describe my nightmares, of which the images are unfortunately “saved on my retina”. 

11:20

I want to just stay in Düsseldorf… The driving will make me so tired. It’s also less stressful being there. But cheap hotels feel as if the air there is full of dust… And expensive hotels make me broker… 

Oohhh I see the practice I need to return the ECG to, closes at 8 PM… No need to rush, thus… I want some proper rest, my meow :[. 

Oh and last night I had such a nice conversation with a friend of mine, on Whatsapp. We’ll probably be chilling tomorrow. I’m considering temporarily moving in with her, because she’s open to it. She’s so sweet <3. I hadn’t leveled with her in so long. I’ve been so blinded by shitty friendships, that I intend to assume that all of my friendships are shitty. But she’s the first person of whom I’ve heard the “parenting methods of the Surinamese culture” have caused her emotional pains. Before hearing that from her, I thought I was the only one experiencing it in that way… 

Yesterday, I wrote less, because the headache I had was killing meeee. I try to stare at screens less. 

11:58 (AM) 

Eggs, noodles, soy, endive, “bol courgette” [genetic manipulation is real asff]

Whipping some late breakfastt. I’ll not be able to leave at 12… I want to have dinner with my doctor, but he has an appointment at 07:30 PM :[. 

I’m so in dubio over what to do after returning the test… 

17:18 (05:18 PM)

I’m quite glad that I made it to Meerbusch alive. I don’t have anything with me, except my little backpack, because I intended to drive back home today. But I feel far to weak [if you knew how much effort it takes me to shift gears…] and light headed and shit to be driving back for nearly three hours. 

So I booked a hotel room 3 minutes away from here. Fucking sucks that I didn’t take my Seneca book with me :[.

18:08 (06:08 PM) 

If you’re in the mood for some roof top tea, holla at me… *smooth face*

19:03 (07:03 PM) 

Oh my godd I need a date :[. But the food is nice :].