01:56 (AM) 

My brain needs rest, but my body is so full of energy. I should have gone running…

Another factor keeping me awake, is me pondering about my next move. It feels like such a waste of money to spend more than €2000 of the about €2500 in savings I have, on a scan of which you don’t know the outcome. [Other than that, my accounts are basically empty.] Maybe it’s €2000 to hear, “There’s nothing.” Maybe they’ll tell me that I have some disease. It seems fucked up to spend what I saved for relaxation, on this stress. To give up my holiday, to have someone tell me that I’m sick (again)… 

[That Dutch health care system where care was basically free is looooooooooong goneeeeeeee. Now they’re making profit…]

I need their findings to back up my court case, though. I’ve been asking for physical research, when I was in the hospital. Because of the stamp of “mentally ill” that was given to me, my physical complaints weren’t taken seriously. 

But their analysis was shitty anyway. In my medical file, these psychiatrists have seriously added the DSM diagnosis of “having trouble learning”. WHAT. THE. FUCK!?! I kept trying to explain that it was a conscious decision of me to end my studies and that that was not because I wasn’t able to do it. “I had two out of five resits left,” when I quit. I was too busy working on my PR business. They just couldn’t understand that I made that decision, and didn’t take that shit out of my files either. Ughhh the frustration. It haunts me to this day. The only way to end that, is by having a judge state the verdict that [not literally this] their bullshit can be taken out of my files, because it really is bullshit. If Benoît were to testify for me, I will win for sure. I have to win. At least then I can go on a comfortable holiday and live the life I want to live. Not in this gray city… 

I searched a translation for the word “grauw” and saw that it’s “grey”… But my word Graeyniss is a positive word….. Haha awkward? I is inspired by this impression of sexy wisdom and experience that is given by having grey hair (and wearing grey suits¿ :D). 

To back up my case, I don’t know where to start… I need to approach a lawyer first (right)¿ Pro Deo is what I can afford… The list of “health care professionals” who have figuratively stabbed me in the heart is ve-ryyyy large, by the way. 

Ughh this one bloke who came for a consult on behalf of a “psychiatric hospital”, while I was in a hospital bed, in so much pain, that I was first continuously holding my breath and my body was shaking. Then, this (******) says: “Act normal. I’m trying to make a conversation.” These words made my pain increase so much that it made me scream. This (************) says: “You shouldn’t give her painkillers anymore. Give her lorazepam.” I WANT JUSTICEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I cannot fucking understand how people could have treated me like that. But I bet these false rumors have put oil on the fire. 

That same motherfucker said: “Dat is zeker die Benoît weer. Hij moet uit je hoofd.” And this while I hadn’t even mentioned him to him.
It’s also “funny” how many “professionals” have said: “When I talk to you, I don’t notice that you’re a schizophrenic.” Then, EVERY TIME, I said: “That is because it’s not true. You should take it out of my files.” “No, it’s still true.”

Some. People. Are. So. Fucking. Ignorant. That I now need a lawyer to get some fucking peace of mind. 

The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I have these situations written out in full detail. 

I start the back story in the episode with that there was a lump found near my thyroid when I was very young, and that I went to de doctor for this all by myself. (The going by myself was not requested. It was just because I was already able to…) At some point I think I just didn’t go through with the research, because I was so worried, lonely and suicidal. The lump was found, because my throat was a little swollen and I had trouble breathing. It was never removed. The trouble I have breathing now is on a muuuuuuuch different level…. That’s why I don’t want to know… 

I have so many audio recordings of these shitty “therapy conversations” and summaries of their treatment plans and “findings”, plus my writings of the shitty emotions I was going through, to back up my case. (I was already “preparing the case”, then.)

There’s no way they’ll win anyway, by the way, because they have treated me as if I had a “rechterlijke machtiging”, but I’ve never had one. Yet still, when I was in the hospital where I wanted to get a second opinion, and, when I asked: “Are you open to a perspective that wants to prove supernatural abilities?” and this (*****) returned: “No. We’re going to give you medication. We just haven’t yet decided on what type,” I have said that I didn’t want to undergo that treatment and that I wanted to leave the hospital. THEY DIDN’T LET ME LEAVE. THIS WAS IN THE SECOND WEEK. I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THREEEEEEEEE MONTHSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IN TOTAL!!!!! I couldn’t escape through the big double doors of which only they had a key… (I haven’t tried, but I’ve seen “other patients” try…) Ugh one of the worst things about being there is that they call you crazy AND they call you by your last name and say “u” instead of “je” [“u” = formal]. It’s so disgusting to hear that someone doesn’t take your words seriously, but then still uses formal language. 

Ah, on a site of a law firm that also concerns itself with pychiatry cases, I see that receiving a compensation isn’t unusual. *Feels slight comfort*

But is this “Oude koeien uit de sloot trekken?” [That’s what some of my backstabby friends have said.] That’s a Dutch saying, of which the literal translation is: “Pulling old cows out of the fosse.” The meaning of the saying is basically: “Bringing back a topic of conversation, which has been actively discussed in the past, but is now “almost forgotten”.” A person using that saying in a conversation usually doesn’t want to talk about the topic that has resurfaced. I was asking if it’s that, because they might say that I should have started the case back then? But I still feel like a shit because of it, to this day. In silence, I get these flashbacks and re-live the stress and hurt they put me through. Everything I see around me, reminds me of it. 

Should I put Nosce Te Ipsum on hold…? Until this is solved? I think you might have already been assuming that in the first place…. Haha I was covering myself in work the way I did when my grandfather passed away… 

The topics of my diary are so depressing :’].

Meoooow how do I get in touch with this B¿ With him as my witness, I can build ths most solid case ever :D. I wonder why I can’t reach him anymore. It makes me feel so crazy looking and sad…. I keep saying “He can back me up!” But since the police thing, I haven’t been able to reach him… I actually also don’t want to involve him in this drama, but I need justice. They put me through all of this shit, just because my parents tipped them about him being on my mind… 

It could be justice for him as well? My parents put the blame on him for me acting crazy. What drove me crazy is the psychiatrists not going away when I asked them to go away, and on top of that, not being allowed to leave the house, because people thought that I was catatonic, while I was shunning them, because trying to reason with them didn’t work and I got tired of trying… The thought of getting back Benoît as my friend, is what’s keeping me alive… I have never felt so comfortable in a conversation. I also had the feeling that I didn’t have to adapt… In most of my conversations, I adapt myself to the person I’m talking to, in the sense that I go with them in the topics of conversation they come up with, while I actually don’t care, and I laugh about the things they laugh about, while I acually don’t find it funny… I consider it a form of politeness. Lately, after years, it’s getting harder and harder to keep this up, though. I suppress my own personality so much… Lately it’s only to avoid empty discussions. Ugh, the directness… I hate it, but when someone does it to me, I can do it back in such a way that that person won’t experience life in the same way anymore. I don’t like to do that, so I swallow my words and take the verbal hit to the head. (Crazy¿) 

By not experiencing life in the same way, I mean that when someone starts to insult me for no reason, giving me the sensation that my heart can stop at any moment, I can break down the lack of talent, bad character and uselessness of that person in sooooooo much detail, that that person won’t experience him or herself in the same way anymore. I have never used this on someone. I hope I never will. But lately, I’ve been on that edge so often. With the whole schizophrenia bullshit… 

Meoww it’s 03:59 AM now. I’m hungry… 

04:43 (AM) 

I had a little bit of mashed potatoes [with zoete aardappel, pompoen, spek and andijvie. It was very nice] and meat stew. Now I’m back in bed, cuddled up underneath the sheets. [I say “cuddled up” in the context of (self-)coziness.] As usual, wearing only my panties. It’s the most comfortable way of laying down, for sure, I think :]. 

Soo for the current long term, it will be: scan, court case [I better win…] and then finally have some closure and live the life I want to live. My diary will be lit by then, I hope. Then chances are higher that people will engage in my business. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing books that don’t relate to the project. I’ve also been thinking about other ways of funding and how I’ve let myself be influenced by people saying: “Well, if you want to make a change, you need to be sure that everyone agrees,” too much. If you don’t agree, you’ll let me know, right? Then just make your own strategy. I also think the questions in the project are too difficult for the masses…….. 

I don’t want to be in the “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”, but ooh my godd my life will be so much better if I were to receive that compensation… My parents won’t give me a penny to emigrate. I need to pay for my student debt… I kind of like luxury… Not toooo much! I don’t like being flashy and materialistic. But I highly appreciate comfort and serious quality….

Maybe I’ll be able to get a hold of B when I do the MRI…? I mean, I hope the movement of my skull has nothing to do with magnetism… 

Cuddle me? 😀

I’ll be going to sleep. The thought of that that type of compensation already exists, takes so much weight off my shoulders… But the chance that I’ll lose still leaves a little pressure… 

Should I go to Belgium, for the MRI…? 

Haha, tot straks <3 

[= “see you in a bit”… Instead of “good night”, because it’s now 05:18 AM ahahaha]

xxxxx– 

05:30 AM

Random idea: since I’m a publisher, how about I seek for others who want to publish through me and I skip the whole thing where I ask the masses for engagement, because reading subtitles is already almost too much…? 

I think I can still change my business concept with ease, since I still have 1 life-time sale in total, haha *cries silently* [ahahaha just kiddinggg. I’ll be fineeee :D] but I keep getting more visitors… 

Yess meoww why didn’t I just stick to publishing works of these sexy Cuddles of mine? Haha sorry :D. I’ll be getting to that tomorrow. 

Should I then delete my Facebook page? XD

Ah meoww, my sexy Graeyniss, you need to tell me what you want… When does D.O.C.I.S. International look like something you can easily become part of, without any negative judgment from ignorant parties? When there’s no random fill-in-the-gap research? When there’s no Lil Fangs…? Meow :[. I need to win a court case for that :D. 

Okay, now I’ll really be going to sleep. Even though the thought of just sticking to publishing makes me hella hypeddd. I want to change up my websites again. But I always want to finish things in one day. If I keep going like that, my heart will start acting up even more… I’ll sleep on it. Maybe I need to win a case and then write a book? And keep the rest, even though it’s un-cuddle? I mean, I want to be a visible process of growth, so I guess that includes starting with “how I kept putting in work and didn’t get the engagement I was working for”. But then I did *something* and suddenly my career thrived and I could move out and do the things I enjoy doing. Which is actually not trying to get those who watch Netflix to stop watching Netflix… 

I need a hint, my Graeyniss….

Would you engage in truly anonymously asking me questions? I might try out ask.fm, if you would…

Haha this reminds me of this impulse invitation I sent about research publishing……………. I’ll be throwing around this business soon… 

Meow, I’m outtt

x

06:19 (AM) 

Lol

Are you on ASKfm? 

https://ask.fm/docis_?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android 

13:08 (01:08 PM) 

Good afternoon 😀

So what I’ve realized is that Project Nosce Te Ipsum is a very demanding project… By that, I mean that I think that the project has so many layers and components, it might be too much work for someone to think “Let me do this…” And then there’s understanding what the components and layers are in the first place… 

I want to delete everything again x_x. And just only keep the fill-in-the-gap story… 

I want to delete LilFangs.com and just publish and blog under the name of Docis. Or my real name… 

There’s no engagement in what I’ve done this far, so I assume you won’t mind if I were to take everything away, right…? 

Especially now that my Facebook page has a 3 out of 5 star rating… 

What the fuck am I doing…?  x_x

But as Δοκις, I can’t be publishing or posting any crazy shit… Deep down, however, I’m still going through these flashbacks that make me feel and say crazy shit…… 

As Δοκις, I also want a cool logo and cool pictures…

What the fuck am I doing…? x_x

I’ve also complained so much about people and stuff… That’s actually very unlike me. As in, before I was constantly going through flashbacks of the situations that have traumatized me – and before I went through other traumatizing things I haven’t even mentioned here – I was such a different person. Different in the sense that I used to approach and try to get to know anyone who comes on my path, I used to smile and make jokes so much… And now I’m kind of distant, because I’m so afraid to get hurt and traumatized again… 

I reaallyyy don’t like that I’ve made this shitty phase of mine public… As in I want to change so many things… 

I’m just going to delete my Facebook page…. What I’m doing is all wrong… Δοκις will not be having a Facebook page yet, because her audience is too small. I want to delete my Instagram account, too… I’be written such an odd response to a response… 

I really think that I’m ready to become Δοκις… Or Δοκισ…  I don’t remember if the ς is at the end of a word or at the end of a sentence… 

Meoww my impulses are all over the place… I’m working towards one thing always, though: causing a big shift of positivity in the way we live life. 

I’ll be writing one book that is the complete fill-in-the-gap story and only that and nothing more. 

And I’ll be writing a separate book about my changes…

I’ve scheduled some hangouts… This is kind of a big step for me… In the sense that I’ve been building a fence around my heart and I want to become my old social self again…  

I will not be deleting anything. I’m showing you my process… One day, these shitty books I’ve written will be just as appreciated as the other books I’ll write. Especially because of the contrast that is shown in them… 

I’ve just had such an awesome idea for D.O.C.I.S. International :DD. I’ll be working on it right away! After showering and eating…

15:42 (03:42 PM) 

*pushes the break* I’m killing myself with all of this work… 

But I do need to take that Project Nosce Te Ipsum thing away… 

And I want to publish other people’s books as well… And I want us to blog together… 

And I want to publish a free book… 

17:09 (05:09 PM) 

My appointment is coming Tuesday, in Düsseldorf. For cardiology and skull research. 

21:11 (09:11 PM)

My days as Lil Fangs are coming to an end… I can feel it… No more being captivated by flashbacks that give me heartache and cold sweat. I needed this diary to vent these feelings, for the heartache to decrease. This because I don’t want to bother anyone with so much hurt and sadness, while that person is trying to be happy. Also, if the response of the person I was expressing myself to didn’t include hugs and fun activities to take my mind off of it, [but them saying that I’m wrong and the other party was right for hurting me,] the heartache and my feelings of loneliness would increase. 

I’m dealing with a lot of cold sweat and heartache over the way my life has negatively changed. I feel grief for missing my old self. I want to be like my old self… [But I also let go of the being active in gossip and I stopped amplifying jokes other people make, including ridicule. I did this to fit in, but it’s actually nothing like me. Now, I can’t even act happy, when someone does this. My heart can’t endure these things anymore, and I want to really be myself, so I will never get back the same level of “popularity” within the same community. I’ve accepted that.]

Hopefully, the medical examination will get me a solution to the breathing and heartache issues I have, and show that I was right about what I’ve said about my skull in the past. Then I’ll finally have a reference to prove that the other conclusions drawn aren’t true. This will allow for me to propose a correction to my medical files, which will allow for me to emigrate. When this has happend, I consider my name cleared. I don’t mind being seen as someone who’s had a hard time, because this is true. But this hard time was because I wasn’t heard – while I kept pleading – and not because I’m a schizophrenic. 

Another wave of heartache coming up:

[Please just scroll past it. I’ll stop talking about this soon.]

So today, I’ve heard that in the message about me going missing, it was said that I left the house “in a confused state”. That is such nonsense! Seriously!!! What a disappointment :[. Why was that relevant information in the first place…? Whyyyyyyy do that to my reputation…? I had been pleading for being allowed to leave the house. Before, I wasn’t allowed to. [Not wanting to go back home is then a logical result, right? If no matter how often you say: “I don’t need this. I don’t want this. This is not helping me. This is making me feel worse. I’m fine,” people keep saying that you’re ill and you need to take pills and talk to them about what’s on your mind? (And then they use your words to solely confirm that you’re crazy and need more treatment…)] I couldn’t say: “But I might not be coming back,” when leaving, otherwise I wouldn’t have been allowed to leave. If I were really making a confused impression, they wouldn’t have allowed me to leave either, just like the weeks before that. In those weeks, I told them that I didn’t want to talk about what I was going through, with them, and that I’ll be able to solve it myself. I was dealing with my bank account going empty and my business not thriving. I was convinced that me being associated with them – while I didn’t want this – would make that worse. They’re not specialized in giving tips about doing business… 

I want to leave this behind. I want to forget that this has happend… The brain scan will give me closure, I hope… I’m almost convinced… 

When I’m working, I put so much pressure on myself, that my heart starts acting up and I get trouble breathing. There’s so much pressure on me, because there are so many things on my list I want to achieve as soon as possible. I hope the medical examination (and the compensation) will take away the time pressure. Then I’ll deliver work I’m more proud of, too. (I would also be able to hire people…)

Working on this book I’ll publish for free is quite relaxing. 

I wonder what my blog readers think of me… 

23:19 (11:19 PM) 

I wrote a “scrap mission statement” for my free book: [It won’t be in Dutch. I just find it easier to reason in my native language. I still want to show everyone…]

Meoww I hope that very cheap is also an option? There will be a loooot of blood, sweat and tears in this. Nosce Te Ipsum is not the type of book you can read anywhere, at any time. This book is… And I need to move outt pleaseeeeeeee. 

I think this is one of the best things I’ve ever written… (The new book…) I just finished the overview of the full story concept (what I’ve shown you is the overview of the introduction). 

Tomorrow, I’ll continue to be working on this. I really hope the content is something you can relate to! I’m very happy that I started to write this. It’s already making me feel so much more optimistic about everything. 

I hope that the solutions I’ve found for myself are useful solutions for you as well. I wish I could already show you the end result! But I’ll start typing tomorrow. 

Good night <3

xxxxx–