13:37 (01:37 PM) 

Good afternoon, my Cuddle :]

How’s your day? 

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I’m revising mathematics a little. The next things I’ll be doing are:

* Buy HB pencil + gum

* Buy some snacks? 

* Drive and check in

* Make a restaurant reservation? 

* Have a few seconds to breathe in my hotel room 

* Make previous exams achterstevoren…

15:51 (03:51 PM) 

Earlier… 

What’s your dinner time? Mine is 7…

18:51 (06:51 PM) 

Haha I’m taking myself on a date. This is my second time by myself in a (non-fast food) restaurant. (But, as you might have read, going to restaurants I have done quite more frequently than usual in the past few months, in a non-solo setting.)

Meoww next time we’ll be eating together, right? 

I need to still go over the mathematics material some more. The beginning questions will not be a problem, but at the final few question types, I sometimes still make mistakes. But if I study too much now and tomorrow, I will “run out of concentration for” my exam… It’s three hours… 

I would love to walk around and explore the neighborhood a little. Or go to the beach¿ Or both… Maybe I should go to the beach tomorrow¿ 

My starter mid-eating

Haha I’ve done so much advertising for free…¿

I used to be better at self-courtship. If I get my level of self-courtship up, I can be a better lover for you as well [is what they say¿ But what does the process look like in reality?? Maybe it’s just another oneliner… ***]. 

It’s going to be “a long walk”, by the way. I was contemplating about how to spend my first (out of two) nights here. It’s a 56 minute walk to the (non-busy side of the) beach from here. The decision depends on whether my belly will be full enough or not. As in there’s no late night room service or a nightshop here, and I digest food very fast, so I should be careful not to get hungry… 

I’ll just start the walk and see how far I get. Afterwards, I’d like to meditate. 

And then revise some more in the morning? And just take more time to relax my mind for a while. Studying and writing require quite some concentration… 

My main course mid-eating

I’m going to practice another self-perspective [while eating, haha. My diary posts I always write on my phone and update basically per paragraph (I press “send” frequently)]:

I’m sitting alongside the window of the restaurant of the hotel where I have my exam tomorrow, wearing the same red, white and black striped shirt I wore the last time I met up with Benoît, together with my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t have the dark blue Fashion Nova jeans and white Nike Airforce I’m wearing now, then. Then, I wore black suede Clarks desert boots and black Primark trousers. 

On the one hand, I love to be alone. On the other hand, I would love to have someone to share my loneliness with. Someone who feels alone, too and who is tired of this loneliness, too. We would be such Cuddles :D. With this form of loneliness, where today’s trends are unappealing to you, comes a certain type of wisdom, I think. 

By loneliness, I don’t mean “not having anyone to “hang out” with”. It is the loneliness that comes with having a large (unuseful) “hang out network”.

I seek for that person who doesn’t have “today’s dark sense of humor”. Someone who doesn’t, for laughs, insults you out of nowhere, as a joke. When someone does that, I want to open verbal fire and tell him or her that I fucking hate when people do that, and I wouldn’t do that to the people I love, or initiate a joke like that [but if someone goes too far, I definitely do it back]. But I often just fakely laugh… With people firmly believing that I’m schizophrenic [they treat me like I’m unconscious], it’s even more useless trying to argue with them. 

I don’t like that I’m talking about un-cuddles again. I wish I could move to a secluded area, where I don’t meet these people anymore, so that they can just become a distant memory. 

[I just saw that the beach is much closer by, but it’s named “park …”]

*** I want to feel more comfortable with myself. When I enter whatever room or another location, it feels like people are so focused on me (stop their conversation to). In a way, I like the attention. But only when it’s positive, of course… I’m not as good at sensing if someone’s Cuddle or in-cuddle as I used to. 

I always feel a slight discomfort in the sense that my body has been, since about April 2017, feeling tense, continuously. I could rid myself of this, if I would very closely befriend a tall and muscular Cuddle. I need someone to massage me with so much force, it’s like you’re flatting out pizza dough. 

Another crucial factor that will take away the tension, is that I want our future to be “sealed”. That’s when our projects are fully established. This (pre-)establishing is something I do all by myself. I’m, like I mentioned in June, not able to relax before I’ve accomplished this. It’s still going according to plan. It’s that my eyes catch time frames by the second, while my mind is occupied with things that will take place much later. 

22:43 (10:43 PM) 

In mijn dagboek schrijf ik echt te veel over dat schizofrenie gedoe. Ik zit helaas nog te veel met de vraag wat er precies gebeurd is. Buiten mijn aanwezigheid is er een (internationale??) “zoek”campagne uitgezet. Hierbij is persoonlijke informatie van mij, vrijgegeven. Ik zou graag gewoon willen weten wat er allemaal gezegd is. En ik wil graag weten (in) hoe(verre) Benoît [mag ik Crutzen zeggen?] hierbij/hierin betrokken is geweest. Ik heb op het politiebureau een black-out gehad. Toen mijn zusje en ouders me kwamen ophalen op het bureau, in de avond, en ze vroegen wat er gebeurd was, zei ik: “Ik wil er niet over praten.” De voorgaande paar weken waren traumatisch. Ik heb in deze periode Benoît [Crutzen] niet gezien. 

Ik ben bang dat ik weer een: “We hebben met zijn allen besloten om dit te doen. We moesten een vermissing opgeven / we hebben met zijn allen besloten dat jij hulp nodig hebt,” te horen krijg. Net als de vorige keer. Ik ben in de tweede situatie niet bij de besluitvorming betrokken. (In de eerste situatie (“vermissing opgeven”) was dat natuurlijk niet eens mogelijk.)

Toen, dreigde ik “bankroet” te gaan. Dat is uiteindelijk ook gebeurd… Hij had erg enthousiast gereageerd op mijn voorstel voor het uitzetten van een campagne. Via e-mail bespraken we wat de mogelijke onderwerpen van de campagne zouden kunnen worden. We suggereerden de onderwerpen statistiek, wiskunde en micro-economie. Ik mocht niet met hem afspreken… Maar ik zou hem heel graag nog eens [voor altijd] willen zien….

My Cuddle, 

Cuddle means you, on the other side of the screen. You, who are reading my words so carefully. I appreciate you so much <3. 

I’ll be laking. [that’s lake-ing elisie]

What I like about being by myself is the calmth. No disturbance by the sound of television or that of judgment-filled conversations. What I do, is not a disturbance to me. If it is, to you, it might be better to close yourself off from this disturbance. 

In large social situations, I tend to cling to the Graeyniss… 

In this situation, I’ll be going to sleep. 

Good night, my Cuddle

I love you ve-ryy much

xxx

“UN-CUDDLE” IS THE ANTONYM OF “CUDDLE”. 

Oh desert?