I can’t sleep, my meow :[. I realized the satin thread my future is hanging on is even thinner than I thought before… Save me :'[.
It was a tough decision, but I just called in sick. Now I lose my right to the €100 “performance bonus”… I must say me feeling fucked up, while never before having called in sick or in any other way miss out on a shift, doesn’t say ANYTHING about my overall performance. It’s tough because from September onwards I might be without an income, if I lose my right to my student loan (again…), if my parents keep their feet down when it comes to them wanting me to work at least 24 hours a week and not pay my tuition… (That is: no degree and being stuck to minimum wage and empty conversation for the rest of my life, if I don’t find my Graeynissis… My degree is part of my back-up plan.)
On the other hand, I am so glad I finally have a day on which I can semi-recover from all this shit… I’m so exhausted. There are so many ways in which I want to relax… I want to watch The Office US (that’s what I always watch when I feel un-cuddle), read example sentences (my guilty pleasure… Best book ever lol), play the piano and make the financial overview. I can’t cram all of these things in one day, though. I mean, I can do it, but then I’ll still get more tired instead of feel less tired. Plus I’ve been having a serious headache for a few days (or is it weeks?) straight now, I pee at least 10 times a day (for weeks…), and this strange sensation in my lower belly doesn’t go away either, but my physician has been so hurtful to me, I never want to see her again, so I don’t know what to do with this…
They say don’t share your medical information… Or your sadness… Let’s prove that it doesn’t cause bad shit one day.
Anyway :D. I’m going to search for something nice to eat.
22:51 (10:51 PM)
My Cuddle, I’m going to add a layer of openness to my writings in this category.
I try to keep things semi-chiseled, because I want to have you (who’s reading this right now) on and by my side. There are these unspoken rules in business culture I’m somehow trying to implement in how I write down my experience, but right now, I just want to say fuck it, because it’s not my natural behavior anyway. I’m not describing what I mean very clearly. I think, if I give you this one example, you’ll understand what I mean. I earlier mentioned “this strange sensation in my lower belly”. By this, I actually meant “I might be pregnant”… I haven’t mentioned when and how this has happend, that this has very recently happend before also (that is wasn’t the first time…) and (to this person…) that I am a polyamorist.
It feels a little strange writing this down here, because this is the website you get to when you click on “blog” on my “business website”. (This is actually my business website as well (my business has two names). This is the “brand” side, the other is the “formalities” side. (Public correspondence here, the back-end on the other website.)
But fuck it :D. Life is waaahaaaay too short to be chiseled all the time. I want to be drunk and high at the same time so bad… [Need own space…] So that’s what I’ll be doing tomorrow, while I make my statistics assignment, after I make my statistics assignment, before I make my statistics assignment… (Okay, at least I’ll be high. With alcohol I have 0 productivity… Plus, I get hangovers so fast (if I don’t drink a gallon of water before going to bed, for which I’m often too drunk and lazy haha). I don’t drink alcohol that often. I smoke weed about once a day… But not always, like today, I haven’t smoked and yesterday I haven’t smoked either.)
I want to make the financial overview.
I didn’t do anything today, by the way. I had a little bit of pasta for breakfast, then I untied the twists I wear underneath my wig and went to bed. At some point I woke up so hungry, I had to get up, before I wasn’t able to do that anymore. I made some improv noodles, ate them and drunk some orange juice, then went back to bed again. Later I read some example sentences (I use them to fantasize) and had dinner (a one-pan coconut curry with spinach and fish + rice dish). Then I washed, conditioned and combed my natural hair in the shower.
I want to write the financial overview, but I can’t give you the exact numbers yet, because I don’t know how much income I’ll get this month… I don’t know if I’ll receive my study financing this month, because they asked for proof of enrollment a while back, and I haven’t submitted it (yet…?). I want to be enrolled for a full-time period next year, before I submit it. If I won’t do this full-time study, I’ll probably never submit the proof……..
I just got the impulse to re-publish the first and second episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum and these diary posts as one book, under a different name. I took them offline, because I didn’t describe Nosce Te Ipsum as extensive as I wanted to, and put too much emphasis on the powerless situation I was in at that time. By vanishing a second time, I semi got myself out of this situation, but financially, I’m basically in the same unnecessary situation.
When it comes to my business, I really want to just work with Homo Economicus individuals (no Sapiens… and) not businesses (especially not governments….). We need to be un-chiseled, but in this way, as a Graeyniss, you’re harder to reach… I never spot wild Graeynissis in public (is that “the wild” to you? Ahahahaha. It is, to me…) Do you live close to where you work??
By the way, it it just me, or does it seem like “Chaos is waking up from his slumber”? All Summer – as always – basically nothing happens. And now, again, I get more and more of these pop-up “breaking news” messages I can’t seem to turn off. The app is native. I can’t uninstall it x_x.
Me delivering a short statement about unprotected sex is just the slightest hint of purity (“wildness”) I want to show throughout my works. Project Nosce Te Ipsum has a movie (starring you, business professional who actually shouldn’t be involved in entertainment, but who has, like me, decided to say “fuck it”? :D), which also has nude scenes. (But not flashy, more subtle…)