I wrote something on the 7th, but it was so short and incomplete, I’ve deleted it. This is what I wrote on the 8th. The language used in this post might be considered offensive.
16:06 (04:06 PM)
Hey cuddle 😀
How are you today?
I’m happy today is my day off. Now I have time to think of my/our way out of this un-cuddleniss again.
00:39 (12:39 AM)
[To me, a new day starts after I have woken up. It’s actually Thursday right now, but it doesn’t feel like a new day yet.]
In between jogging, working on my mathematics and statistics assignments, mandatory socializing at home [I am actually very mad right now] and making a dessert, I have thought about our alternative and true form of freedom. Unfortunately, there’s such a huge burden that is making it so hard to achieve this. It definitely isn’t impossible, but now I somehow need to be noticed by the audience and potential partners I want to have, without having the network, money and diplomas to do this “the regular way”. That I don’t have these things, does not mean that I can’t do what Graeynissis do. I want to be a Graeyniss, too, my Graeyniss… (But I’m still an apprentice Graeyniss… There are some things I’d like to learn from you.)
If I would have had supportive parents, I would have been far more confident, able, independent and flexible in the process of [everything] establishing a brand (L. F…) and a network (D. Int…) that will allow us to positively change our lives. I need an investment to at least complete my marketing strategy. (But actually I also need patents, the funds to hire people and funds to buy (or “opspuiten”) land for us to live on.) My father could have easily given me at least enough to make my websites top ranked in Google (his top-ranked business website is: www.neridus-it.nl. [fucking sucks] “His office” a.k.a. house is findable in Maps… He earns more than €10.000,- (or €10,000.-) per month from working for the government. (Since 2012.) [I have been his unregistered clerical assistant.] On top of that, he earns dividends from his ant-miners and other computers that generate bitcoins and he’s working on internationally selling real estate (since he can buy land in cash). Plus there’s the regular tax fraud as a form of income. Meanwhile I have been struggling to pay my fucking health insurance.
Today, I have had two conversations that have confirmed me being FUCKING DOOMED if I don’t find my Graeynissis FAST. My parents don’t want me to study full time next year. They don’t want me to study full time in the first place. They don’t want me to move to Milton Keynes (that is where I would move to, if my beloved university in Rotterdam declines my offer (or just ignores it¿ :[ )). There’s no way they would give me a cent to support my living there. (For those who just tuned in) I’m a student at the Open University in Milton Keynes. (Today, when I looked at my statistics assignment for the first time, I found out I have to jave conducted an experiment growing mustard seeds on August 22nd. I ordered my seeds earlier today. Luckily I didn’t start with the assignment on the due date. I can’t stand that I HAVE TO work [JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS WANT ME TO “GIVE MEANING” TO MY LIFE. THIS MENTAL SLAVERY HAS NO FUCKING MEANING. They don’t see my potential :(. They believe life is working and don’t see how fucking unhappy I actually am right now. They DO NOT allow me to live here without bringing money in and do not want me to be inside the house too much. BUT I NEED TO WORK ON MY PROJECT SO THAT I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE], while I still need to do soo much for my final exams in September and the deadlines I have before this.)
I want to finish this writing by telling you how they’re making my entire future hang on a SATIN THREAD and how my mother practiced EXTORTION on me to get her relationship therapy in MY medical file, instead of those of anyone else in this household. She forced me to sign some health insurance papers [yeah, I’ll get the bills AGAIN]. They have forced me to go once (on Valentine’s day 🙁 ). Then I told them to close my file. They fucking didn’t. My parents still go and they have obligated me to go as well, but “THANK GOD I HAVE NO FUCKING FREE TIME”. She had THE NERVE to bring up WHAT SHE AND MY FATHER CAUSED, BUT HAVE BLAMED ME AND MY FORMER PROFESSOR FOR, AS ONE OF HER FUCKING WEAK ARGUMENTS TO MAKE ME SIGN PAPERS THAT SAY THAT I AM THE CAUSE OF THEM NEEDING THERAPY. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK. I WAS TRYING TO KEEP MY RECORDS CLEAN. AND IT’S SOOOO NOT TRUEEEEEE!!!!!
AND, EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE LETTING ANOTHER CUSTOMIZED LEATHER COUCH BE IMPORTED, MY MOTHER DOES NOT WANT TO GIVE ME €86 BECAUSE I FILLED UP HER GAS TANK RECENTLY (AND TOMORROW I WILL HAVE TO GO FOR GAS AGAAAAIN). At some point she said “Okay, I’ll give you half.” I told her NEVERMIND. AARGHHHHH. MY FUCKING INVESTMENTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!! I WAS CALM DURING THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION, BECAUSE IF I WOULD EXPRESS HOW I TRULY FEEL, I WOULD BE SO AFRAID THAT THEY WOULD GET ME AS STUCK IN THE SYSTEM AS I WAS, AGAIN.
AFTER THEIR COUCH IS DELIVERED, THEY’RE GOING TO CURAÇAO FOR AT LEAST A WEEK, FOR THE JAZZ FESTIVAL, WHICH IS MY MOTHER’S THIRD HOLIDAY IN THE LAST 5 MONTHS. THEY’RE OBLIGATING ME TO WORK AT LEAST 24 HOURS A WEEK NEXT YEAR. I PREFER FUCKING DEATH OVER THAT, especially if the work is not Graeyniss related [indirectly trying to say that if you don’t want to work with me and I commit suicide it’s still because my parents are. Plus, HOW AM I GOING TO GROW OLD COMFORTABLY IN THIS SOCIETY WITHOUT AT LEAST A BACHELOR’S DEGREE??????? I WANT A PhD?!!?!?!?!!!!!!???!?! HOW THE FUCK CAN PARENTS NOT WANT YOU TO STUDY???????????
In all of my videos, I try to show my true calmth, but on the inside, I’m screaming out of fear. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FUCKING IDIOTS DOING WITH MY FUTURE?!!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?
CUDDLE ME PLEASE :'[ (Mag ik ook een cishe?) That’s our only way out…
I can’t take this shit anymore. After my adventure of running away to the U. S., I thought they wouldn’t be able to weigh me down so much anymore, but this is so much worse. I don’t even have time for myself anymore [these IDIOTS think that I have time for myself when I’m making a school assignment or when I’m still in bed at 11 pm because I went to bed at six in the morning. Then they find it weird I don’t want to cook or clean my room (I postpone it)]. When I get paid at the end of the month I AM OUT OF HERE. If I would never see my parents again, I WOULD NOT GIVE A FUCK. WHAT’S THE POINT IF THEY MAKE ME FINDING HAPPINESS SO MUCH HARDER!? I DON’T LIKE WATCHING TV AND COMPLAINING ANHWAY.
I don’t know where to go yet, though…
I un-unpublished my articles “from the past”. I have “caps locked” this drama again anyway. But please don’t think I’m un-cuddle :[.