00:14 (12:14 PM) 

Has anyone seen my B?  πŸ™ Could anyone send me a B? I need an investor and right hand, bitte… I also miss him in general :(. Living without him is not good for my heart, my meow.

Here’s a picture of the dinner I was happy to eat, yesterday:

πŸ˜€

And after having had a nice conversation with my unofficial relatives with whom I’m staying – they say they’ll never kick me out πŸ˜€ – I later wrote in my new notebook:

I’ve been postponing blocking my stolen cards – they’re empty as fuck, I don’t want to tell them why I lost them [at the hotline, they always ask and then sometimes give their opinions I don’t want to hear. En dan: “De volgende keer niet meer doen hѐ?” Echt, hou je bek gewoon, alsof ik het met opzet deed ofzo x_x] and I have no income so ah meoww – but it’s on my list for tomorrow. 

I’m the last person in the living room. I’m going to shut the lights off and get ready for bed etc. 

Good night! 

I love you to the moon and back

Let’s build a spaceship? :p

xxx – 

13:30 (01:30 PM) 

I typed five long paragraphs and then the app crashed when I wanted to upload it :'(. I ended it with that I’m going to take a nap, but now I’m writing this in my bed. I’ll summarize what I wrote down:

I hope people will purchase things from me, when I have a professional team behind my works. [Now I’m hocus brokus… As fuck x_x.] Currently, I only have some prospects, but I need more powerful people actively on my side, first, so that I can make some real shifts. “I’m not from the right class”, so it’s hard for me to find the right ones, though…

I also need an investor for my health expenses :'(. Not again will I put my fate and faith in the ugh of the Dutch health system, since that has blown up in my face far too often. The re-occurring infection that keeps resurfacing in my urine, including white blood cells, could be something very serious. It’s still untreated. I’d rather let it kill me, if I’ll keep continuing to live the life I don’t want to live. 

I wanted to go to California healthy, but maybe it’s better for me to be treated there, if that’s possible… I can’t afford it, though. Just like living there. Otherwise, I would have already been there! Meoww please save me :(. I would already be a 90% happier person, solely from going just outside my own house and seeing palm trees 😻😻😻 And seeing happier people because of better weather and more ambitious people, because you need to earn so much to maintain the large amount of living space. Something I can only afford on a high pace by growing out my sole proprietorship into a multinational. By working for a boss full-time, at the ANWB for example, it will take decades before I’ll be able to emigrate. I don’t have patience for that. Especially not because I don’t even want to continue to live if my entire life is just the struggle of getting there and not about going further when I’m finally there. In the end I want to have my own state, remember… :(. 

It feels like such a waste of energy going after my passport, driver’s license and bank cards, since I don’t even want to live in the Netherlands. [I do love to be here, with my unofficial relatives, but still, I really need my own place, for my true independence. I still feel like a sheltered street cat… Meow :(. Mag ik een Cuddle? :D] I wish I could get them from the US, but I don’t have an address there. Or money x_x. Meoow I wish I had a manager or something… Only my B I would give the authority to be my official manager – sorry – since he knows me the best. 

I love the indirect statement I make by, as someone who was born and raised in Rotterdam, now staying in Amsterdam. I find the rivalry between the areas such fucking bullshit. It’s only an hour away from each other. People are almost born into what soccer team they prefer. That shouldn’t be a reason to hate someone you don’t know. Especially here, in the end, it will all be Atlantis one day, so hating really doesn’t even make sense. 

I think it’s the untreated infection flowing through my body that makes me feel so tired all of the time, partially. Of course, my aortic insufficiency plays a role, too. 

Meoww I’m now really going to try to take a nap, because I’m tired asf, still, but I always feel the most unproductive when I hear people come home from work and I’m still in bed. So I’ll try to limit my resting until max 5 pm πŸ™ xxx

16:39 (04:39 PM) 

The weight loss I’ve had from – don’t try this at home – when I’m hungry and tired at the same time, giving in to my fatigue and postponing eating, especially when there’s mediocre nutritional value. 

Check it outt

October 10 [the ECG is from doctor Cuddle in Meerbusch, Germany]

Right now. I’m thinking of taking out my extension twists and switching back to afwisselen my natural hair and wearing a wig, like there. 

Too bad I have facial hair, so modelling will be un-cuddle. I have scars on my face from plucking it. #isthatawkwardΒΏ #beingintimatewithFangs hahahahahah. People make jokes about it :'(.

So at first, while I made those pictures and thought: Ayy I don’t want to suffer from this health struggle anymore because it makes my suicidal thoughts go crazy. I first thought of, now that I’m here in Amsterdam, renting a car to visit doctor Cuddle in Germany and let him finish the examination. He deserves the credit big time. I’ve never had a more comfortable doctor. [Can’t I just take him with me to the US? πŸ™ If he wants that…] But I’m without a passport, driver’s license and bank cards, so that will be mission impossible. 

Only when I visit my phycisian, I don’t need to have any cards or whatever with me. The problem is that that bitch got me in so much trouble, I become far too PTSSy when I think of seeing her. The last time I saw her, I asked for a note to visit the hospital for sleep research, because I have so many complaints, it’s better for me to indicate that I have them, when I have them. This was when I was just transferred from a general hospital to a psychiatric hospital. She said that those health complaints are “just part of my psychosis” and that I am not “wilsbekwaam” [ = sane enough to make my own decisions] and that she only wants to talk to my “psychiatric parole officer” instead of me. I told her that she has this bias because my mother uses her as her psychologist and I let her ramble a short while with my “parole officer” on speaker phone, but at some point their conversation was frustrating me so much, that I professionally ended the conversation and fucking went back to the ward. I was walking with a limp, because my kidneys hurt, which was why I was in the general hospital. At some point “I was just occupying a bed”, because I had to wait for test results, so they sent me home, but I didn’t want to go home. They didn’t understand this and the pain I was in made me scream a lot, so they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital. There, too, I was in so much pain I wanted to scream, but I didn’t dare to, because I was afraid they would inject me with deadly shit and put me in an isolation cell, the way they did to so many other people I’ve spoken to there. 

It was my intention to fucking fu-cking neveeeeer see my Dutch phycisian again. Oh my god, if I’d see her now, I wouldn’t help but be able to yell things at her like: “ALS IK ZIEK BEN, KAN JE FUCKING OPDOEKEN.” = “IF I’M SICK, YOU CAN CLOSE THE PLACE.” Ah, grrrrr. It seems like I have NO OTHER CHOICE AH GRRR. But I only want the official diagnosis. Know that I’m not going to let myself be treated here. Most people who I’ve known who entered the Dutch health system for something serious and “time and money consuming”, haven’t survived it. I don’t want to be on that list. If I die, I want to die because I want to die, and not because my doctor is a noob. 

18:04 (06:04 PM) 

Ohh by the way, yesterday I bought the mix for the cake I wanted to make by means of saying thanks, but it was quite late and I was quite tired when I came back, so I’m making it today: 

Lemon cake πŸ˜€

It’s now in the oven. It will be done around 18:40 :). Haha I feel like making a Facebook post from it and writing: “Lemon cake… Beyond amazing…” as the caption, for indirect “I’m such a diehard B stalker”-reasons. Ahahahahhahahahah XD. It sounded funnier in my head 😅😅😅 [Of course I’m not posting it on Facebook :D. Ba-dum-tsssssss. I only post things “when I have to, in the eyes of marketing”. I try to avoid it, because I want my content to be seen and appreciated, but those who used to “like” my things are now spectators instead of engaging, since I’ve gone missing while I wasn’t missing, and people now think I’m an evil attention seeker [FUCKING DUMB IDIOTS], that’s quite a mission impossible in this country. It’s also hard for many to understand why I don’t use professional pictures [it’s because I’m showing you my perspective in the purest way possible] and why I speak American English instead of Dutch [because of Atlantis reasons & a larger potential reach & I want to become a native speaker and in the end make it in the US]]

Meoww I still haven’t called for those stupid cards and I still haven’t gone after my stupid passport. If I don’t kill my physician on sight when I see her, and she finally fucking refers me to the goddamn hospital [I swear far too much for the US standard, don’t I? x_x I swear less in real life… :(. I’m, by the way, a totally different person in real life, compared to my writing!!] – AND THAT IS AN “IF” [what the actual fuck… It should be a crime to have to put your fate in the hands of people who don’t give a fuck] – I can use my official diagnosis to start a fundraiser and stay petty. I keep going with the writing and formulating business strategies and stuff, while my body has been in “sleep 24/7, more I can’t do” mode for a veryyy long time, in actuality. I have quite some will power. I guess :D.

19:36 (07:36 PM) 

Ah meow, my impatience fucked up the cake x_x. The top was turning black and the inside was still wet. I ended up taking off the top and putting it back in the oven, but the inside is still not ideal. I’m putting it back in the oven. The way to prevent this from happening is by using a tin with a larger diameter. With baking, because of the irreversible chemistry, there’s often no way back after making a wrong decision. 

Meow :(. The taste is still nice, though.

It seems that, when it comes to these statistics, if I go on like this, December will be “””my best month””” of 2018. 

20:09 (08:09 PM) 

I’m on my way to the gym featuring my Amsterdam Cuddles. I wasn’t sure if I should go, because I feel tired, but I’ve been inside for far too long and one Cuddle who has joined us, I haven’t seen in soo long that I just have to go hehe.