00:41 (12:41 AM)
So today I will go to the Dutch embassy… *flashback to something I wrote earlier about authorities + my conscious x_x…*
I don’t have any form of identification with me. I think I left my bag on the bench in the locker room… That’s how I lost all of the cards I had with me x_x.
I consciously write this very personal information down on my website. In the end, people spit in “for and against” debates about the content. That is always with online things people keep an eye on.
Keep an eye on me, as I say “Hi” to my “lifetime” authority.
Yesterday was soo nice! Seeing the countryside of Berlin, with this Cuddle of mine. A Cuddle is how I call someone who is on the pro side of the debate, in my mind, sort of, currently.
Time for beddd
– xxx –
Gute Morgen, mein Cuddle ♥
How are you today?
I’m going to get ready to visit the embassy – accompanied by my house mate – for temporary papers and maybe requesting a new passport, too, since I need ID. After that, I really need to make a doctor’s appointment, because my complaints are getting worse every day.
I’ve never been to an embassy before – as far as I can remember… Maybe I’ve been there when I was little – and I’m hesitant with visiting the doctor for financial reasons.
In my current situation, without my cards – that were already not enough to live from in the long term – and papers, while I probably have a serious illness and while my business still has 0 investors besides myself – I don’t have much money, though – and 0 project participants, I fucking hate life so much, I’m quite indifferent between anything that comes on my path right now. As in every time I think I’ve experienced the worst I can experience in that situation, and then it becomes worse. For 22 years straight haha how long can it last :'(. I’m so tired of all of this. With my business, I could – if I were to have an investor – create alternatives in our system we could all benefit from in the long term. If I could do that for a living, I would be happy. But now that I’ve stranded here in the sense that I currently fully depend on my house mate – something I don’t like to bother him with – and I thus will have to search for a job “in loondienst”, but there I can’t challenge myself while making a change, because I don’t have a PhD or a similar type of title that indicates the level I can work on, and thus I would be getting myself stuck in a routine I don’t want to get myself stuck in, because it would stagnate my process.
A few times, I said *greetings again¿*, because I don’t know if my writer’s perspective is clear to my readers. A few times a day I pick up my phone to write down what is on my mind. I’m not the type of person who would share my feelings in detail, if it’s unasked or if it’s used to say that I’m crazy. I write more often when I’m outside.
The main reason why I wanted to share the contents of my mind, was for business transparency – people like to sabotage my shit, because I’m female, black and talented, with uncommon stances, so this (along with my online backups) is/are my alibi because if I were doing something criminal (that what haters like to say. Grrrrr) I would have had a lot more money and I wouldn’t be keeping an online diary – and to keep a memory of “how the old system was”, for later generations, for when we – “we” being those who are interested in joining me – have our new system.
In case you wonder why I don’t write as much: I’m giving you time to catch up.
I wonder why I’m not hearing anything. People like to rant to people these days, so I don’t understand, now that I don’t have any real engagement, why people aren’t saying why they have decided not to engage either. The only person who has mailed me is my mother, because my bag is gone.
I’m now about to make some pasfoto’s for my new passport. I had to borrow €140 from my Cuddle to be able to order it :'(. Meoww I really need to apply for a job here. Maybe teaching mathematics¿
13:08 (01:08 PM)
If I “lose” my passport again, within two years, then “de paspoortmaatregel” causes me to not be able to request a passport again (for a limited amount of time or forever¿).
I don’t even want that nationality x_x. But I don’t have the type of money that gives me power. Then I would have “invested myself into the US” by now. Or Canada. Or Germany. Or wherever else the country isn’t a natural threat in itself.
Another thing that has a deadline is that absurd tax bill I got. I’ll have to call the tax agency to ask them to send me the login credentials from 2016, then I have to re-file my taxes. It’s only business expenses – spendings on advertising, WordPress extensions etc. – and no income. Just like always =.=”. What’s the point of filing it even, since there’s no tax to pay or receive involved, in this case. Of course, I’ll still do it. I guess… x_x I can’t stand these unwanted obligations. I owe the right to an alternative. But the only way to put that in practice is with supporters and investors. Meoww why does no one be my business Cuddle :(.
When I started this diary, my only problem was the authorities “my parents” ordered to monitor me. Now it’s that, “my parents” themselves, not having any documents or payment cards, my fucking hard drives are gone and the rest of what was in my beloved backpack, I don’t have an income, people keep gazing at my publications without engaging, people keep mistaking me for the wrong person and then they treat me in a way that leaves me so hurt, Germany is very cool, but I want to live in California, I never want to see “my parents” again, I never want to go to the Netherlands again, unless it is to pick up my books and other things with emotional value – even though most of it was in my bag – because there the shit with people who think they know me and “the weather is going to kill us” stress is worse, I’m so sick my muscle strength has been at 25% for a very long time now, I’m exhausted 24/7 and the list goes on and on.
I’m on my way back to the Cuddle’s place. He didn’t want to wait at the embassy, so he already went home. I want to pay him back as fast as possible ah meoww. But without involving “my parents” in this, of course, because I’m so fucking fu-cking sick and tired of them telling me that I cost them too much. THEY want to get me home as soon as possible every time I cross the border. But not this time!!!!! Sometimes – when it’s always only drama and hurt and superficial shit – it’s better to break contact for good, I believe.
I’d rather vanish for real, than go back to being stuck in the Netherlands. I wish I could start a new life, with my B. I wonder if he’ll respond to me this time. It hurts me when he doesn’t respond, which is why I stopped trying every day. But I still try.
Applying for a job as a mathematics teacher at an international school for people below age 18, is something of which I think it has a higher potential success rate than talking about this fucking disappointing sole proprietorship with an investor. Grrrr meow :(.
16:50 (04:50 PM)
Is it still because of what my parents said about me suddenly being sort of mentally handicapped and not able to communicate and shit, that people don’t approach me about what I do here? That I’ve shunned them, doesn’t mean that I’d shun you ever! If you love my writing, there’s no way I could ever fang you!! I’m doing the most non-conformist things. (In the sense that I do what is good in my view and I’m trying to start conversations and conferences that lead to real change. Meoww please break your pact of silence towards me. What I’ve been saying might not be jolly, but I’ve been leaving messages for you here multiple times per day, almost every day, since I started this blog. Because you’re my Cuddle! 😀
Please say something :D. Let’s be wild non-conformist Graeynissis¿ 😀