00:34 (12:34 PM) 

Meow… 🙁 

I really need to find a way to earn.  I can’t go on like this. But I prefer death over committing myself to a simple and routinous job for minimum wage…. 

I became what I can’t stand. Over the past few weeks – besides submitting my admission – I’ve blocked out my entire reality and watched all episodes from Rick and Morty. There are not many TV shows I can watch or even hear, without my annoyance from its superficiality increasing my heart rate. But I can relate to Rick’s attitude towards Earth so well [not an enthusiast, unlike most people’s sentimental words], it just made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my reasoning, for those moments in focus. 

But I really don’t like spending so much time inside the house, without doing something useful – working 40 hours a week is not useful, in my perspective, where I take into consideration what needs to be done for the system to not collapse and have a future – and without being able to have good conversations that lead to peace of mind. I’ll have peace of mind, when I’ve found my allies. I’m trying to be patient 🙁 .

Truthfully, I ran out of patience on New Year’s. That alternative admission is my last attempt. And my last hope… But I now fear this “Noo you didn’t make it,” message 🙁 . 

Meow I want to go to sleep, but I’m letting myself be led in an anonymous chat about a request to attack that person while wearing heels, and to cause serious injuries, in exchange for a house… In Rotterdam? Meow I want a house, but I don’t feel comfortable hurting someone randomly 🙁 . I would still do it, though, but I wouldn’t be able to unleash my anger the way I would unleash my anger if my father were to lose his temper first, in an “I’m going to beat you” stand-off… 

But Rotterdam is very convenient, though, if I were to become an apprentice Graeyniss. (Skipping out on the whole student thing… Of course “everyone wants that”, but I’ll be doing a crazy amount of mental labor in exchange, and no one has to make up any project for me, because I’ve already done that for all of us.) 

Ah meoww I’m so tired 🙁 . I wonder what factors cause my extreme fatigue – besides me typing too many things that require serious thought and tachycardia. I seriously snoozed my alarm clock until 15:20 (03:20 PM), because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I also still have the niss with becoming light headed very easily… I want to work out, but I’m far too afraid to pass out 🙁 . If there were someone with me, who would know how to anticipate, in case it happens, I would be a lot less afraid. 

Please be my Graeyniss? 🙁 

I love you ♥

Good night 

xxx

14:17 (02:17 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

Meoww I wish I had a reason to go outside today and meet Graeynissis for serious meetings. Or for non-serious meetings. Any occasion where I can share my thoughts and hear thoughts from the same level. 

But I don’t have that reason. I don’t even have comfortably fitting clothes to wear to such an occasion. (My weight fluctuates heavily.) Or money to buy comfortably fitting clothes. Or the capability to have a simple routinous job, without having a mental breakdown. Meoow I’m trapped in bed 🙁 . 

I’ve been thinking of writing a new episode for the Nosce Te Ipsum series. The problem is that, even though I’m very passionate about them, no one buys them, so I’m not that motivated to publish them. I expected to have a greater budget, after sales from the first episode, but that’s not possible without sales… I can’t make it look the way I want it to look – using more than one form of publishing, and much better imagery and styling – so I can’t publish it with pride. Not yet…

Meanwhile my relatives are bathing in money.  I need to meet someone new, who believes in what I do and enjoys it. And helps me leave the snake pitty life I’ve been trapped in. The way my publishing company looks, is fucking embarrassing. I wrote that marketing text on it, with a face palm. 

But by means of entertaining myself, I could start writing. Instead of Nosce Te Ipsum, it could be the first Volta, I’ll write. For the book Volta, it is very important that it includes the shift from going from unhappy with life to happy with life, and having included every step of the way. I think the situation I’m currently in, makes a good starting point. 

It’s too bad that I don’t have the funds to market it on “big media”, such as business magazines, or Discovery channel or something… I think that, in the end, those who would actually enjoy it, are, like me, so focused on their own paths, that they most likely won’t come across an ad of mine, even if it were published there.  I want to be fully independent in this anyway. 

But Volta, will include all about how I really reason and feel, without resorting to time-related statements [as in yesterday, for example, all I mentioned was food related, because it’s part of my day, but what goes on in my mind while I cook, I can’t mention while cooking], or in-dept explanations of anything that relates to my research. I might go for a quick run, before starting to write, because all of this being inside drives ne crazy… [I’m in “my room”, with the blinds closed, so this will be my first time looking outside today.] Nopeeee the layer of snow outside is far too thick, I see. I like being outside in the snow, though. But what am I going to do here, where there are no real parks nearby, and I don’t have any like-minded people near me, I know of, in terms of them really reasoning the way I do… “You’re different, Dominique,” is always the conclusion of every conversation I have. But where are all of the different people at…?

I hope you, my Graeyniss, will love my new book. I hope you’ll read the preview and love it. And then buy it… And then the next part, about my new life, can be published with one of the cool designs for a hardcover, I have in mind. I hope to finish the first part before the 30th. And I hope positive news from the University will fit in this book – causing my Volta (starting with being noticed) – smoothly 🙂 . 

I’ll be writing xxx

~~~