11:43 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I fell asleep, not long after I stopped writing you yesterday. Without eating dinner, I slept until the morning. I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday. Now I’ve eaten moussaka for breakfast. I was crazy hungry… I was all dizzy and stuff… My stomach indicates that I might be throwing up again later x_x. Ah whyy meoww 🙁 . 

Haha I used to listen to The Nausea by Tyga a lot when I was about 18. 

My paperback is live, I just saw in an email. I also noticed that someone has bought one of my books on Scribd, a while back, when I just checked my Smashwords account :)♥. I usually don’t look at my sales, because my amount of sales is always very little and that is very depressing. May Volta sell… I’ll make the page for the book, when I’ve received the confirmation of the book’s acceptance to the stores Smashwords distributes to. Then I have more than 3 links to include, haha. 

Volta is about improving life and I’m currently a sick and smelly bed pet, who’s not living life according to her purpose… That might seem like I don’t practice what I preach, but the book also explains what I need for my own Volta. I’m the example subject in the book. For a better state of my emotions, I need more distance. (Yeah the usual dramatic way is to say let’s work things out, but if things need to be worked out, that’s a sign that it just doesn’t fucking work and why pull a dead horse, if I don’t even want it…) And a new social circle… Which is also what I need to succeed in the accomplishment of my purpose. 

For distance, I need money to move. (Everyone knows that. For some reason, they want to keep me. I don’t fucking understand that.  We have nothing in common…) I hope Volta will assist me in this. For my purpose and new social circle, I need Graeynissis 😻. So may my alternative offer at the University be accepted, and may I be reunited with my B…

Meoow I haven’t showered in three days now, and I’m still wearing the same panties x_x. I’ll have to get up and make that page, at some point… If I hear about those other stores today… Otherwise, it might be tomorrow… Or the day after, haha x_x. Meoow I never want to get out of bed… Until I’ve found my Graeynissis. 

Omgg meoww I want to give a lecture about my book 😻. May Graeynissis enjoy my book… I know you want to live a different life 😀 . It’s so common, a book about it must be able to sell… For you, the most drastic change is feasible!!! Cat me please :D. (That doesn’t necessarily have to relate to that drastic change. When I think about being appreciated by Graeynissis, I sometimes just can’t control how much I want to cuddle you…)

But I don’t want to give away too much, so please read it :D.

Meoww there’s something that imcreases my tachycardia, I would like to share with you… I want to order my own copy, but I want to be able to move and be with my Graeynissis before the book is delivered. That’s February 1st, haha… It feels so wrong to bed pet in a house where everyone works. My petting might be hard to understand… Just like my personal Volta. I want to have my copy delivered at my own house. I literally mean me owning a house, which is currently not the case. I’m just so tired of being given advice about the basics of life. The reason why I don’t conform to it is not because I don’t understand it. It’s because I find it sooooo fucking dumb. I don’t want to hear it anymore. And I don’t want to hear my odd actions turn into gossip every time. Sure, I don’t give a fuck if it does, in general. I’d just rather not have to look that person in the eyes ever again. Meoow I can’t wait for this distance. And giving people money to stop contacting me? I want to focus on my purpose, which is overthrowing the system…

~~~

22:55 (10:55 PM) 

The fact that I can’t hold in any food, while dealing with the heaviest stomach ache and loss of muscle strength, and can’t get proper medical assistance in this country, is the icing on the cake. If I die, the chances of this planet lasting are absolutely fucking zero. Remember each fucking party involved. 

I need a friend with whom I can discuss the practical side of my endeavor. Someone who concerns him or herself with the same thing, and also wants to take action. With emphasis on taking action. Not only because I’m tired of meaningless conversations.  The environmental clock is ticking… Ice forms itself during the Winter and melts during the Summer. Sort of… I’m indirectly speaking of when risk is the greatest. I sound like a broken record… But at least no one can say that I didn’t mention it. At least the water then won’t be that cold. Of course, there has been fucked around with nature so much that every season is a risk. 

The feelings I’m stuck in are finite. I can’t be in this same situation next year… Hmm… I said the same thing in 2017. Besides no active psychiatric surveillance, not much has changed since then. I could make myself a little more comfortable by earning some, but all I have a qualification for is a superficial routine that includes following a script and interacting with shallow beings, which – speaking from experience – feeds my thoughts of suicide. I’ll let the response period of six weeks, which must now be about four, decide over that as well. My admission decides over more than my success. I can survive under no other circumstances. Not only because of the emotional pain that relates to the way my intelligence is unacknowledged. 

Volta is a book that really can’t be judged by its cover. It also can’t be judged by its excerpt. Only when the questions and suggestions, spread over the main chapters, are analyzed, everything will fit together in a suggested path. That’s what’s judgable. 

Meoww I really hope it will be appreciated and that it will be good for my network and endeavor. In that way, I can finally live a happy life, by, instead of being forced to go home at some point, moving to a personal place where I can really be all alone if I want to. 

I haven’t received that e-mail yet. I’m not on the priority list, because I hadn’t filled out my release date x_x. So if I’ll make the 30th, for my on-(web)site promotion, is not certain. Uncertain, as in I might not be able to market that on the day itself. 

My book is way “underpriced”, by the way, since I’m giving you a new (perspective on) life, from which you’ll benefit, for $3.77 (or $7.77, if you buy the paperback). But I find it more important that it’s read. And it’s an indirect way of attempting to increase paperback sales. The price of the paperback is the usual ebook price. Is that too cheap for a Graeyniss? Because that’s not what I want… High demands might influence my pricing policy? It’s still exclusive knowledge… I haven’t shared my exact method on this website ever. 

Haha I secretly hope Volta will cause some Volta related cause to not have to go to that party coming Saturday, where I don’t know most of the attendants and my family is going, too. I’m here to not have to face my father. And now “here” is organizing a party where he is, of coursee, invited to as well. I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to explain why I’m not going. I also don’t want to lay in bed instead of going there. I want to be giving a lecture about my book or something… Being a good kid earning some money. Finally having real fun. Not being a reason for complaints, while having so many fucking reasons to complain. I know you want to know everything about this mysterious Fangs 😀 . 

The thought of time just working itself to that moment, and having no [money to buy a house and say no I’m not going] way to escape the misunderstanding that comes with not going, so if nothing happens, I’ll be going, gives me shortness of breath. I always act very yay about social gatherings, but most often, that’s just my façade talking. 

I need to catch some fresh air… (Haha let’s go to Germany.) I’ll be doing that tomorrow, I guess… Sucks that I’m still quite unfamiliar with the quiet areas here. And that if I go outside, just to breathe, I have no one looking out for me in case I collapse, and I also can’t pee when I need to. If those things – and food, even though I can go days without food – weren’t factors, I could be outside all day. 

May the expression of worry change into expressions of certainty, success and happiness soon. 

~~~