How was your night?
Are you ready for this?
I really can’t wait to see you. I really hope I will…….. The thought of not meeting you freaks me out.
I’ve cooked yesterday, I packed, I wrote a goodbye letter, I rushed the lyrics videos and I made a 9 hour first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum. Why I’m up at 6 in the morning? Because I just finished making the episode. The time it takes to let my computer produce the video file, is just as long as the video itself. My plane leaves earlier than that. I’m going to just upload the fragments one by one, until my plane leaves instead.
jHere’s my goodbye letter. I wanted to translate it for you, but I don’t have time for it. You could use a translator from Dutch to your language (French, “par example”?) if you still want to know what I wrote. It’s not a happy letter. It’s a very honest one.
I’ve shortened it to an hour now. That will “solve” it. I’m going to upload the lyrics videos and take a nap. xx
My computer was acting up, because in the episode I’m using both videos made with my digital camera and my phone. So I’ll now re-try to process it on the plane. I can maybe even make a longer version, since the flight is about 3 hours. I think it’s very nice that I’m not on a direct flight. I’d rather fly 3 hours, have a break of an hour at least and then fly for 6 hours, than fly for 9 hours at once.
I’m on the planeeee.
15:03 (03:03 PM)
(17:03/05:03 PM Dutch time)
I’m on another planeee. I bought another sandwich and some chocolate for the trip.
19:15 (07:15 PM)
So I made this episode to tell you I’m not missing. When I was in Iceland, I texted back my mother. She might not even notice that I’m gone. That would mean that I wouldn’t have had to pull this all-nighter last night. But anyway, existing already feels a lot less stressful. This was my only way to be able to stop being obligated to take pills that don’t belong in my body. I can prove that that is true in so many ways, but they don’t want to listen to me. They would hate to say that I’m right. Maybe the fact that I don’t have a degree, plays a role in this.
They don’t even try to “prove me wrong”. (Because they can’t. They only say: “Well you went silent and missing. Why don’t you realize you’re crazy?” Very “professional”. Flehs. They don’t understand that it was a conscious decision. Would they call this, what I’m doing now, with the one way ticket, a reason to get me locked up and give me those fucking pills again?)
Aarghh I can’t wait until this issue is solved. But for that I really need a legal representative… Buy my book :D. Pls… :D.
I might just get to The States unnoticed. I’ll just keep texting back until they read my letter. Ah damn. Something I really want/need/(truly) desire is not being alone when the flehs find out I’m starting a new life. But then not be with someone who responds to my emotions according to this “movie reaction script”. Responding with oneliners like: “Just let it out.” “It will all be fine.” Etc. I can do that myself.
Conversations should lead to higher insights. I want to have deep conversations and intimately cuddle. I don’t like these cuddles where someone just leans against you for a few seconds. I prefer when you can feel that the person you’re cuddling really wants to hold you. In a non-lust only way. That’s love. Using oneliners I don’t consider an act of true love. But some people can’t do more than say oneliners. That’s not wrong, it’s just that the oneliners are too predictable for me and for me to be truly happy, I need to see true passion. That person might be nice, but we would just not be able to be true friends. True passion requires creativity. And not saying: “Ugh, I actually don’t want to put “so much cognitive effort” into (understanding) this,” like a lot of people do these days.
Jean, who I met in Paramaribo (you’ll see him in the video episode, once I get a proper chance to comprise and upload it, once I’m (finally) in the hotel), was actually the first person I’ve met ever, who showed me true love and passion. He seriously was the first person ever, who hasn’t made a single hurtful statement. (Unfortunately being hurt so much in the past has caused me to be a bit distant, still. I hope my new life will change that. I’m just afraid of getting hurt. (Which sounds cliché, but listening to someone talk is like moonwalking over a mine field to me, since I get stroke-like physical issues from people hurting me while I want to love them.)
I wanted to write about when I met him, that friday night, but I was too busy having fun. (Not that writing is not fun, of course. I just didn’t want to have my phone in my hand while I finally had the chance to talk to someone with character.) Around my friends and family, in the past year, I haven’t been as talkative as that at all. (He reminded me of B so much, by the way… He has a similar accent and similar facial features.)
When my mother was there, I instantly was less incentivized to talk freely. (It’s also very cool that he’s a smoker too. I don’t mean cigarettes… Too bad my mother was there and I would risk getting locked up in the Netherlands for it, if she would find out.)
If we weren’t around relatives of mine (or in Surinam to begin with… The community is so small basically everyone knows everyone. If you would do something odd, they’ll gossip about it. I don’t want the action to backfire and haunt me…) I would have kissed him. NOT because he reminds me of B!! Because I like his character and his charm. He’s sooo sweet! A lot of guys (and girls) of my generation can learn a lot from him. I think it would be immoral to kiss someone, just because he or she looks like someone you find attractive. It would be a meaningful kiss, of which I would have taken the initiative. Even with my ex-boyfriend I didn’t have that… I haven’t spoken about my polyamorism and how fast I catch feelings, but I’ll get to that another time. (I was seriously getting “Well, if my project doesn’t work out, I could work in the restaurant he’s going to open and start my new life with him”-thoughts.) [Need to save my battery… My powerbank charged my phone for literally 30 seconds…]
With Nosce Te Ipsum, we’ll be able to distinguish people with true hart and passion from more “lazy robot”-like minds. I want to pay the people who will want to work for D.O.C.I.S. International, after project Nosce Te Ipsum has , a very high salary and give them a lot of freedom and responsibilities. Freedom in the sense of time (you work whenever you want to work, as long as we get the result we want) and responsibilities in the sense that your function in the organization would be based on maintaining a goal, instead of “maintaining a task”. The work you would do would be very various. (You might also travel a lot, if you’d like to do that. Then, consider yourself a diplomat of the organization. (Did you know that, while the organization is getting established, during project Nosce Te Ipsum, I want to become a US diplomat? I want our organization to have a government-like function in a country. Minus the shadiness and the lies.))
I’m going to stop writing, until I get to the hotel. I think I’ll need to show my reservation on my phone, I still need to use maps to find the hotel (a 20 minute walk…) and I need to listen to music to not get too lonely.
18:18 (06:18 PM)
We landeddd. Just to let you know :p.