06:57 (AM)

Gooooood morning!  😀

I love being awake early, with a purpose for being awake early. 

Slippers, camera, other stuff…

Haha I’m going to put my toothbrush in a plastic bag. I put it there so that I could walk downstairs with all of my bags at once

Dark asfff

I’m preparedd [spot messss]

10:49 (AM) 

I’m waiting to be called in for my MRI. Ah meoww I see myself going back home again =.= This Dutch lady “guiding me” is so rude in the Dutch sense of communication standards.

12:02 (PM) 

Meow… There needs to be a solution to the way I feel :[. I don’t want to go back home to the same situation, feeling just as shitty as I do now… 

This center doesn’t have beds. Part of me is glad about this for some reason. (The scent in a hospital always makes me sick to my stomach.) But I want to stay away from home for[ever] a while. 

Ah meow, can the coming 24 hours just last forever? I want to find love… Truly loving friends, too. 

I’m nervous for my cycling test… 

Is it because I’m black, that some Dutch people are solely out to debunk every word I say? At some point I still have 1001 arguments as to why I think how I go about things is right. I don’t even understand why the fuck someone would want to debunk that in the first place. 

I’m sooo sick and tired of that. I want someone else to tell me where to find the right doctors that are on my schedule here. (But I’m not saying that =.=)

13:10 (01:10 PM) 

I’m in another waiting room, waiting to have “the final conversation”. 

So basically what I’m doing is undergoing a few doctor’s examinations. The appointments are made via a Dutch company, in a German clinic. There are a few Dutch people here who guide you to the department you have an appointment at. They then tell the people at the reception of the department that you’re there and you’ll be seated in a waiting room. 

This woman seriously said: “You have no heart.” As a joke. I don’t want to spend time with that type of people anymore. The problem is that 90% of the people I know and meet on my path are like that. She asked me how it went. I told her that they had trouble finding my pulse. That’s when she made that “joke”. I’m not in the mood for that type of laughs (ever). I want them to find something. The fuck maynee I paid €1130 for this… 

People who make offensive jokes always say: “You should just be able to take a joke. When you don’t laugh or feel offended.”

What I want to say is: “You just have no fucking sense of humor?” But I can’t be this impolite in a real life conversation. The darkness I express in these posts is never visible on the surface. Unless I’m being attacked verbally or physically. Because that is the animal-like shit the type of people who make offensive jokes do, and I need to be prepared for that. 

Especially in a professional setting, you can never say: “You have no heart,” as a joke, I think. What the fuck…

In the second paragraph of 12:02 PM, I say “I want to stay away from home for[ever] a while”. By that, I mean that I actually really want to stay away from home forever and never come back, because my social environment there has become such a great stress factor for me. [I felt such a huge weight being taken off my shoulders, when I heard the navigation system say: “Welkom in Duitsland.”]

But, of course, if I were to drive to Italy now – or even stay in Germany – and get a temporary job and an apartment there, until I manage to put into practice the final steps of what I still need to do for my international publishing company [I need to recruit/attract writers and artists…], my parents are still going to want me close to them. Which is kind of freaking me out…? They’ll report me missing again… 

14:23 (02:23 PM) 

Something I hadn’t mentioned here yet, is that antipsychotics are dopamine blockers. My opinion is that that freaky shit shouldn’t exist. Hands off my dopamine, please. It’s natural… 

I think this sad pet mode version of me is a result of being indoctrinated and being forced to swallow that shit against my will. I don’t think it will ever change, if I wouldn’t suddenly be surprised by a reader who’s Cuddle. I won’t be able to save myself all by myself… 

Still in the waiting roomm. Apparently they’ll make an echo of my heart as well. 

Meoww I pee a thousand times per hour man ahahahah. 

The pain I’m in and the bags underneath my eyes are why I won’t be going to do a photoshoot anymore. I’m under so much stress, that I’m thinking of going for a massage tomorrow. 

I guess I also need someone to talk to. I don’t think it should necessarily be a professional. I think it should be someone who understands my ambition, because he or she truly is ambitious, too. (Not someone who just says things, but isn’t able to empathize.) Also, for “real second opinion” reasons, I’d like this to be someone from abroad. 

My life would be perfect, if I would replace the people who cause pain, with those who make me feel loved. I need to be around optimists, to be my optimistic self. Being an optimist around pessimists, leads to them talking your optimism down all of the time. 

I want to believe that I can live the life I want to live… [But part of me is like: “If shit doesn’t change fast, while I’m here, I’d rather commit suicide than go back home.”]

Meoww my battery is low. I’ll film when I’m in my hotel room, by the way. My battery is too low and I feel quite awkward filming myself in public… Even though I’ve done it before. Part of me also doesn’t want to capture this… 

I spend so much time by myself, my body and soul crave for a loving touch. But a truly loving one… 

If I ever need any type of treatment, I’ll be going abroad…

16:21 (04:21 PM) 

Ah good news always makes me feel so much better :D. 

And so does my sexy hotel rooomm

I was in dubio about how I’ll spend the rest of my day here, but I my choice was made with a lot of ease, after the man at the reception told me that there are a sauna and a bar here :D. That’s where I’ll be going after dinner.

I’ll take a shower and then go for dinner. I’m having a great time :D. 

What is even more amazing, is[, this is such a random thing to find amazing,] that I have two more doctors appointments tomorrow!! Hahahahahahahahahahahah. The doctor who made the echo of my heart proposed this. Ah meoww I’ll tell you all about it, after I’ve taken a shower. Meoww I want a shower like that in my future bedroom ehehehe. 

I used to make videos, but nobody watched them… So now I don’t know if I should make videos or not. I feel so awkward having a little amount of views…

So I’ll be typing? Not having videos (that are unedited) is also good for fending off un-cuddles. [Un-cuddles are people who suckkk.]

17:44 (05:44 PM) 

Meoww. For some reason, when I try to update this article, it doesn’t work. The error doesn’t show why?? 

Ohh it can’t process emojis, haha. As an automatism, I used this smiley face emoji with one drop on its head, expressing “the awkward smile”. So when I press “update” now, it will work! 

18:40 (06:40 PM) 

“No, you don’t need to wear eyeliner. Your eyes are beautiful already! Next time, you’ll have the confidence to not wear a wig. Comfy shoes over anything! You’re awesome, babe <3”

Date night for 1 againn. 

Trying to find the right angle to show you my shoes

This was before that

Trippy fade action picsss

Me thinking “oh my godd eye contactt” *heart trips out* [when I look at anyone]

Because sometimes it looks like I’m undressing you with my eyes? It happens naturally, but to some people [who just see a body and not a person] I don’t want to do this

Found it loool

The hotel is so prettyyy. I’ll make more pics later¿

Ayy I wonder where my German readers are from¿ Meoww I want to hang out with Cuddless. I’m thinking of extending my stay¿ Ohh yess here comes the info about what else happend in between 10 AM and 4 PM: [What I’m thinking now is: “German lawyer?” If the Dutch legal support sucks just as bad as the Dutch medical support…]

At the MRI, very shortly after the examination, I got the results, which showed that there was nothing odd going on with my brain. That’s really chill, on the one hand. But I still need a clarification for the movement of my skull. All of these dumb motherf****s say: “Oh, it must be stress.” [Without any real fucking analysis.] As if you see people with shaking skulls every day. I have NEVER met anyone who has that, too. So I need a different type of examination to prove my point: it’s not stress. Yes, I’m stressed out, but that’s from the thought of them getting all hyped and turned on over being “right”, while they’re not. I need my peace of mind. 

It’s cool that I got a disk with what my brain looks like. It’s like it’s too big for “its shell”¿ There’s a slight possibility I can fix this while I’m still here [double context].

This reminds me of that one ASKfm question about what kind of food I’m in the mood for

During the heart echo, I got this “Oh my god” attack again, when he asked me what was up [a description of my complaints]. That’s what I have, as a result of bitch n**gas as deputies of the Dutch health system, solely asking me that question, because they want me to be “submissive” to their conclusions about me, while I don’t want to tell them anything, because that submission is the only thing they want to use my words for. I only talked to show them my perspective, which was the EXACT opposite of their perspective. 

The thing is, my list of symptoms is soooooo loooooong, and I want to not talk about myself too much, because I have the feeling people don’t know how to respond to it, or that they’re not interested, or that they’ll use my words against me for no reason, like those doctors did. Okay, it’s not “for no reason”: IT’S CHEAPER. I feel more safe in Germany, when it comes to that philosophy. As if there are more “abundance thinkers” here, like me… 

Anyway,  I started to name a few things. At some point, I named my family as a huge stress factor, somehow almost captivating every single move I make, even when they’re not around. And how I don’t feel home within the Dutch social culture. By that, I mean the directness; insulting jokes; the negatively predicting of outcomes, without having tried it before; solely saying things to provoke a negative reaction “because it’s fun”; etc… I used the joke of the “guide” as an example. 

He was so kind to me… At some point, I actually came loose, after my brain being done with the discrete “Can I trust you?” analysis. [I closely observe facial expressions, when a response is being spoken out. To figure if it’s genuine or not. I analyze unspoken, hidden intentions. A lot of my “friends” fail this test. I don’t mention this, though.] It’s basically the first time I completed the test. The test didn’t exist, before those “health care professionals” came into my life, last year.

“Haha” [out of nervouness to initiate what I want to tell you] him touching me turned me on. It had been decades since someone else had turned me on. I’m used to being grabbed. This was different [thank god “different” exists in this context]. Of course – this is how I am – I did not mention this and did not physically act out of this feeling. Some people will say: “Of course. Why would you do that like that?” Others will say: “Hey ga je dat lekkers zomaar uit de weg? Hoe dichter bij de nul, hoe strakker om je lul, zal zijn gedachte zijn.” 

I’m not an animal… If you want to believe that you’re an animal, than go ahead and enjoy. 

Anyway, he offered to make an appointment at the gynaecologist at the clinic and invited me to come over to his own practice tomorrow. At some point, this “guide” came, so our conversation basically ended. “We’re not allowed to do this.” As in: Privatescan is the mediator, taking a big share. Usually, when you get clients via a mediator, the “rule” is that you keep doing this via the mediator. But you can’t really keep your foot down, as a Dutch organization abroad… 

So now, even for an itching toe, I’ll be going to Germany. The doctor advised me to take serotonin. Haaaaaa if it were the Netherlands, they would give me some medicine with a fucking strange name, with more side-effects than effectivity. [Making that is cheaper. Dead people is also cheap, because the government has the right to a share of your heritage, if you’re Dutch. (Do other countries do this, too? I think it’s the most disgusting thing you could ever do to people who are mourning.) Also, the country is overcrowded, so “making some space” and the money shift you make when you move into a new place, are good post-dead people moves, if you’re a money hungry creep. Ew, this shit gives me chills… 

21:04 (09:04 PM) 

Alcoholic beverage number threee ahaha. 

The first glass was some bubbly white wine [I picked after tasting two] called “Sex, drugs and rock and roll” [from the title, I didn’t expect myself to like that wine]. Then I had Hine VSOP. Now I’m having Hine XO. 

So it will be sauna + sleep¿
I would “love” [it’s still quite lonely, though] to go to a dancing party abroad, by myself. The easiest place to meet people is on the dancefloor! 

Not today, though. I need to be in Meerbusch at 11 AM. 

Part of me wants to give myself the task to give someone my business card, riiiight now. There’s so much Graey here ehehehehee.