03:57 (AM) 

My Cuddle โ™ฅ

Haha I still intend to go back to sleep… I was hoping that spontaneous “going to bed before 12” [ended up eating some more and reading some of my own articles, after which I sent that fleh email to the embassy] was going to give me a proper sleeping rhythm… 

But all of that late night reasoning in my bed, the rest of the hours I wasn’t typing, has made me hungry… Again x_x. I’ve taken half a pill of paracetamol before going to sleep. I usually don’t take things like that, because I prefer truly natural medicine, but I want to be at that event without collapsing. I’m excited… If my Graeyniss is there, haha….. Ah meoow it’s double keeping me awake, because I’m thinking of conversation starters [what would be the absolute coolest is if I were to not have to start the conversation ๐Ÿ˜€ ] – the initiation is always the only part that seems nerve-wracking – while he might not even be there. Is it trippier now that he already knows about my blog and he knows that I have mentioned him before on here, because I asked permission to keep the post, so he might even read this ah haha meooow *hides*. 

Haha I’m going to get something to eat. 

I’ve been thinking of what to wear… If there are camera’s again, I don’t want to be dressed too informally… [Excuzi (is that a new word of Cuddle? I think so :D)… I’ll elaborate on this I typed that I was going to stand up, but I haven’t stood up yet and just continued typing… I love bed petting and because of my hunger, my body is a lot less strong, so it requires a lot of capacity to stand up…]

~~~

04:44 (AM) 

This is Graet ๐Ÿ˜€

Jamiro made this ๐Ÿ™‚ [Haha see how I suddenly mentioned a name? I already mentioned his name when I translated that drunk video of mine. I’ve known him since I was a baby. I’m staying in the house of his parents. He’s staying on the top floor, now that his sister has moved out. I’m staying in his old room 😋 .] This is hands down one of the best pastas I’ve ever eaten. The taste is so subtle, it tastes like my own style of cooking. I love subtle flavours ๐Ÿ™‚ . I texted him yesterday asking if I could eat it for lunch, because I saw it in the fridge. Because of the late showering, going grocery shopping, being late so already having to start cooking and then throwing a fit at the embassy and translating it, I completely missed out on lunch. He mentioned some things about using different ingredients and that the taste might not be optimal. I seriously absolutely love it! 😻

I intend to one day start to just mention names instead of saying Cuddle and fleh and Graeyniss all the time. But I need to make sure who I want to keep in my life. Talents are very important to me, in that context…

Tasting the food of someone for the first time is always a horrifying experience for me, because I want to love it and respond to it positively, but I have such advanced taste that this is rarely the case, and then I still always say that it’s good, but after that I can’t say much more, because I’m actually telling a white lie, and I don’t want that person to notice that I’m lying.

This was my first time trying food made by him, and most people of our age can’t cook for shit, but this is on such a level that I would not at all mind to say: “Please cook for me every day? 😻 ” [Not literally, haha. As in that I know that there are things he can do even better than cooking.] Ik weet het nu dus zeker: “jij mag sowieso blijven” ๐Ÿ™‚ . [HAHA MAAR DAT KLINKT GEKK. Especially because he’s on the top floor right now – I hope I didn’t wake him up with my loud foot steps… the same goes for Eric and Pascale ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ – and I’m downstairs typing this without notifying him. But I’ll definitely give him a compliment for his awesome cooking ๐Ÿ™‚ [This writing is a compliment, but I’m talking about complimenting in person]] “In my “schizophrenic” context of having to select people based on character, intelligence and skills, et cetera, because of this overpopulation meets nature’s “revenge”” thingy…

Here’s round 2 ๐Ÿ™‚

Since I’m still living out a suitcase, I don’t have that many clothing options. I have four dresses with me, but they’re all too cold.  I think I’ll blend in with some meows and wear my suit, but my suit jacket actually needs to be brought to the dry cleaners. I wore it when I went to the Suicide Club in Berlin. It smells like beer and cigarettes… Haha with this weather and the suitcase life my amount of alternatives is basically 0, though. 

I must mention that at the ANWB, employees are encouraged to dress informally, though. (And then its so cool to see what someone’s definition of informal is :). I wore a pink dress with white with green high socks and white sneakers to one of my first work days once, but if I would have known that I would meet the “floor” director that day, I would have dressed differently. 

I hope that that’s what I’m mentally preparing myself for right now. Haha I’m typing about it so much that I’m really blowing this whole event up. Not literally HAHAHAHAHA. I mean that basically all colleagues I know have said that they’re not attending. So if… 

Should I do it…? Mention his name, too? Haha yes, of course ๐Ÿ˜€ . I want to be friends meoow. I really enjoyed our conversation the last time and he has mentioned several times in e-mails [since we mailed a bit until I was like “May I interview you?” and then I made things seem so random because it’s so not clear what Lil Fangs does, but the interview was because I, back then, still wanted to take the populist route with my business and show an exemplary life to plebians… Now I still have a lot of questions for him, but I don’t feel that incentivized to share what I’ll learn anymore, because all proletarians do is criticize, and I want to avoid that for us as much as possible] that he wants to keep me as an employee. I hope I’m his prospect 😻 . 

For colloquial reasons – and because I was allowed to address this one meow informally – I’ll be on a first name basis with those who can stay, to me, from now on. 

Yess… So if Victor is not going… What the fuck am I going to do there? 😂 There are so many things I want to talk about with him! ๐Ÿ˜€ I hope he’s going, but I don’t want to seem like a thirsty person *drinks 6 gallons of water* [haha kidding…], so I’m not sending any “Hey are you going?” emails… [I’m forever mailing these Graeynissis… Right…? These sexy Cuddlemeows… (I’m just saying “pleasing to the eye”…) Benoรฎt… Lorenzo… Sander is “my last option” over there at the EUR, trying to arrange a team of fellow [HAHA I say “fellow”] Graeys to get involved with the Nosce Te Ipsum thesis of mine, after which the other theses follow and we’ll rule over our own world with D.O.C.I.S. International… But I’m so afraid of not getting a response from him either ah meoww] I’ll just let myself be surprised. I can already see myself low key look around for a tall Graeyniss ahahahahahahahahaha. The funny thing is that I know so many of my former[…? I called myself unemployed the whole time… Why is there an event in December to talk about fucking insane *animal sound* [there are not even words for it, really… Those clients… Oh my god…] going on a holiday in the Summer? I must say I love anything brainstormy. Secretly I hope it’s organized because you miss me. Only me ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m looking for a real challenge I can earn from now that I don’t have a team of Graeynissis working with me on Project Nosce Te Ipsum. So if there’s work, I don’t want to wait until the Summer, since I have nothing to do and I’m so broke… I’m serious… My debit account is on minus and if I don’t continue my studies in January [sign up deadline is Jan 5, so I still have time to think and, more importantly, save up haha say whaaaat] I’ll fully be without an income… And the government will want its money back. Also, I still need to fucking get my Dutch tax agency login codes, so that I can show them they should fuck off with wanting to claim more than โ‚ฌ5000 revenue tax from me, because I haven’t earned shitttttt] colleagues read my blog every now and then and, as I mentioned, he knows about this blog, too… I wonder if he’s one of the people who refreshes a diary post multiple times a day. I must say I love that about the concept of my blog. I wish I had someone I could stalk like that, too. There’s no Fangs for Fangs ๐Ÿ™ . Or is there? I’m not on really social media or anything else trendy, so I wouldn’t even know… 

Haha ayy it’s exactly 6 AM right now and I need to be semi-sharp and feel better than I do now. I’m already getting hungry again, so it’s nice that I hadn’t entirely finished my plate yet, while I typed this entire essay haha.

Haha it feels so random to suddenly be mentioning names on here. It feels uplifting for some reason. It also means no mercy, so please be nice to me ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Good night again, my Cuddle โ™ฅ

T is basically gewoon tot straks want mijn alarm gaat om 10:30 maahn ahahah ayy ik ga zo moe zijn… Het is twee uur reizen vanaf hier, dus om daar om 5 uur te zijn, moet ik om 3 uur weg. Haha ayy dit moet echt de moeite waard zijn…

I love you โ™ฅ

~~~

06:28 (AM) 

I just revised this text, put my plate in the dishwasher, got myself upstairs… There’s no way I’m going to get up at 10:30 AM, so I’m changing my alarm’s time to 1 PM. I just wanted to get up at 10:30 AM, because I want a healthy sleeping rhythm and a visibly healthy writing rhythm [AS FAR AS WRITING THIS MUCH CAN BE HEALTHY… IMAGINE WRITING SO MUCH YOURSELF]. 

Ah, meow… Now I need to scroll up and down this article again, because I’m going to upload this piece of added past 06:28 AM text, and for that I need to re-insert the HTML emoji code, by replacing the emoji with the code, so that I won’t get a database error and a message of the text not being uploaded. Because of that re-inserting, you keep seeing emojis in the article, while the article gets longer throughout the day. 

13:40 (01:40 PM) 

I snoozed my alarm for ten minutes twice,  when I woke up with a howling stomach as usual. Instead of running downstairs to eat, I went to the top floor to see if my suit pants are dry. They are ๐Ÿ™‚ . Then, I went to the bathroom, because it feels the nastiest to eat without having brushed my teeth. I’m now sitting at the dinner table. I’ll show you slightly more scenery than usual, since when I came here:

Mid-eating amazing left overs ๐Ÿ™‚

Haha I’ve been thinking of conversation starters, still… What I would love to do is go for a hug and say: “How have you been?” Hoping to hear all of the ins and outs of everything that happened from September onwards.  I was speaking too much last time, and I want to compensate for it. There are a lot of things I want to know ๐Ÿ™‚ . Another thing I can also say is: “I mentioned you on my blog again. This time with your first name.” And then try to make it lead to a conversation about law – since he has a bachelor in Law ayy ๐Ÿ™‚ – because there are a lot of law related things to find over here. 

I’ve edited my privacy statements myself, for example ๐Ÿ™‚ . Lil Fangs.com’s one says “I”, and D.O.C.I.S. International’s one says “we”, because I intended to speak for the whole network, hoping that the organization would have expanded by now, but basically it’s still only me, so that one I could also change to “I”. I think I’m going to do that, when I change the website into my Thesis proposal portfolio thingy. I’m raking a huge legal risk by saying “I” instead of we, in the statement. Also, I need my medical record fixed and my parents have left me for dead financially so often. I could use some free legal advice ๐Ÿ˜€ . But then I’ll be talking about myself again…

Haha LilFangs.com is going more social. I’m loving my sudden impulse. I want a picture of us on heree ah meoww. Please be there ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

I’ll be wearing a purple woolen sweater that is laced up on the back and my black suit pants. Haven’t decided on shoes yet. Need to shower. With the typing, it’s now 14:17 haha have to hurry… Shit I need to do number two ah noo [my digestive system is tripping maahn]. Still need to fix those emoji codes before you’ll be able to see this text. 

~~~

15:16 (03:16 PM) 

Haha okayy at the last event I was wearing a black turtleneck dress, and this time I’m wearing something that will make me niet teveel opvallen, just like I intended last time haha:

Meoow… If I wouldn’t have felt sick as fuck, I might have worn something that says “I’m going to a borrel” more “haha”…

My Timberlands heels would have gone better with this, but since I’m running late, it’s better to wear running shoes hahahahaha. 

As I’m writing this, my train arrives. Haha I could have changed my shoes, because when I checked how late I should leave to be on time, Maps indicated I should have taken the metro of 15:11. I took the one of 15:16, but I forgot that I filled out my ETA as 16:50… 

Haha is it a lot less cold today, or is it just me? I’m melting haha… What would be the coolest is if I were to be able to fix a ride home, because of this fever, oh mann… x_x. Ahahaha or get one of the company’s rental cars. I don’t expect this haha. But as I usually say, wishing is not a crime ๐Ÿ™‚ .

It’s now 15:30 and I’m in the train. I’m travelling second class, because my bank account is on minus – haha hey “I need some work” [in between brackets because there are bloggers who fucking fund their entire living with only blogging… Right? Not that I read any other blog than my own… My content is one of a kind… Yet still I haven’t earned more than SIX. DOLLARS. AND. TWENTY. CENTS. with this…] – and the journey is not even that long. 

~~~

15:46 (03:46 PM) 

As I’m in the train – fucking nervous by the way ๐Ÿ™ – I’m making a new playlist. I’ve been listening to Tea Party for so long that it feels as if my life is stagnating haha. It is either way lol. 

Listen along, bitte ๐Ÿ™‚ : https://open.spotify.com/user/_betawoman/playlist/0Us7qJ3jqnXQvgDYWrryZP?si=s4FUQqhjT0yxKRHOzylINw

I listened to “Raincheck” very often when I was trapped in the psychiatric ward… Trippy flashbacks… I don’t know why I never filmed how my life was there [because cameras were veryyy forbidden there, but I also smoked weed there while I wasn’t allowed to]… I love the song’s vibe, instrumental and lyrics โ™ฅ

Because the moment of “Will this Graeyniss be here or not” is coming closer and closer, I don’t really know what to type. As in I want to be excited, but I don’t know if this will be the case. And then it’s not even 100% certain if I’d get a chance to speak to him. Haha meoow my Cuddle, I’m travelling for two hours just to see you. I could also just end up only creeping from a distance. That was last time, before I jugged a glass of rosรฉ and just walked up to him while he was talking to other people. It doesn’t take long before I overheard the topic of conversation and just eavesdropped. Not long afterwards, the people from around my age left. The topic of conversation was university life. I dropped some terms like “eeuwige student” to want to sound a bit Graey haha. Verder weet ik eigenlijk helemaal niet uit welke tijd die term afkomstig is enzo haha.

Oh, by the way, while I was getting ready, I received an e-mail that said that the bag and wallet I ordered yesterday at Bol.com – ik ben daar vaste klant – are delivered at the afhaalpunt. But I wouldn’t make it if I were to pick it up. Of course, it’s a borrel, so it wouldn’t be a crime to be late, but since I’m currently staying two hours away from there – from my parents’ place it’s one hour, lekker reizenn – it’s the most optimal to experience the whole event from beginning to end.

~~~

16:13 (04:13 PM) 

Haha in my focus on solely my phone and the time, I got out of the train when it stopped around 16:04, because it would arrive at the stop I need to be at around that time. But it was a stop too early. I had some time to pee in the meantime. Haha I share everything with you, because I don’t talk that often and yet still I have a lot to share, if you’re capable of understanding all of my contexts. My ETA is still 16:46 hahaa… Haha unusual Fangs showing up too early…. I’m hungry ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’ll have some time for a quick snack – ugh takeout – before my bus arrives, though. That will be in between 16:24 and 16:37. Let’s go out for dinner, my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ˜€ . 
~~~

16:31 (04:31 PM) 

Ugh it’s always a lot of artificially flavored things in snack shops. I’ve settled for this:

Yahaay

~~~

16:53 (04:53 PM) 

Ah meoow I’ve missed being here… Walking around in headquarters makes me feel like I’m on the right track. 

Haha palpitationssssssss

Mann my bladder is going insane. I need to go again x_x. 

Hehe I feel Cuddle, because the security guard who I recognized from the Summer season, said, when I arrived at the reception: “Jij bent zo belangrijk dat je twee keer op de lijst staat.”

Ah,  the pre-socializing starts… You know: “Hey, ben je hier ook voor de borrel?”

Toilet breakk I hope you’re not going to our borrel room without mee. I’ve left my jacket on that couchh alles kan me gestolen worden lol.  

~~~

17:18 (05:18 PM)

Haha after typing about the encounter so much, the amount of nerves made me creep.  I, later, saved up the courage, but I wasn’t even able to eavesdrop HAHAHAHAHA aahh why can I be soo awkwarddd. I did exchange a few words with him ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

~~~

17:49 (05:49 PM) 

Why do Graeynissis always have busy schedules? ๐Ÿ™ I want you all to myself ah meoww. 

Haha I start at my new function on Friday. All I need to do is send a copy of some official documents with my personal identification number on it haha. If I’d have had my passport here on the spot, I could have even started earlier. But PHV Fangs is a fact ๐Ÿ™‚ . Now I have a reason to leave the house yaay. It’s two hours away from where I’m staying. Friday, my shift is 08:00 – 16:30….

Haha I don’t know what to think. Besides “haha but I’m the owner of D.O.C.I.S. International”… And I need a job ah meoow ๐Ÿ™ . I’ll forever be stalking this Graeyniss until he’s my Graeyniss, unless he’s not my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ™ .  

Other than that, I’m having a good time with last year’s familiar faces ๐Ÿ™‚ .

~~~

19:50 (07:50 PM) 

I just entered the train. I’m feeling all right. I need to stop going beast mode on drinking occasions, though. 

Haha when this tall Graeyniss walked in, I started to become dizzy, thinking: “What should I say…?” Graeyniss energy always makes me say random shitt. I also slightly avoid eye contact, because speaking will become harder for me when I deeply look you in the eye, if I find you Cuddle… Especially if you blink so sexy ah meoow. 

I talked too much about myself again x_x. I wanted to try to make the conversation lead to asking if he needs a notulist or something. I should have just said that right away, but hearing no would break my heart. 

Haha I always automatically say: “I’m doing great ๐Ÿ˜€ ” when someone asks me how I’m doing. Haha famm I’m sad ill petty ๐Ÿ™ . The back pains are increasing, but I’m still able to walk. I need a full body MRI like I requested that stupid Dutch company when I went to Germany, but they said some shit about my age and only checked my heart, lungs and brain. It feels like my kidneys are going to fall out of position x_x. But yeheess after working for a month, I’ll be able to afford doing shit with that same company again. 

But meoow if I start working there again on Friday, then my next target will be his lunch table :D. Haha The Fangs is very stalky when it comes to potential Graeynissis. I want friends I can level with hahahahaaa… I’m on so many paths at the same timeeee 

I hope I can work a full day on December 25th [because Christmas makes me depressed… I miss my grandfather meow ๐Ÿ™ ] and I don’t want to be available for any festivities on New Year’s either. I promised the family I’m staying with that I’ll accompany them to Christmas dinner on December 26th. Other than that, I really don’t have anything to celebrate, so I’d rather be stacking… I’m still not in California ๐Ÿ™ . 

But yess the function I have now suits me better. It’s still not the routinless challenge with a lot of paperwork I want, but now I’ll be on the hotline for medical assistance abroad. 

Haha holy ScheiรŸ I’m so tireddd that if the Electric Wire Hustle wasn’t bumping through my earplugs (haha), I would fall asleep right here in the train. 

How am I going to do that tomorrow, with the travelling for two hours, while I also want to visit my cousin in the studio… If I go there in the morning, I’ll be able to do both ๐Ÿ™‚ . This is all far beyond my physical capacity, since I’m sick as fuck – I clinged to those high tables, because I felt like collapsing x_x… My body feels like lying down ๐Ÿ™ . But fuck thatt I want to get Cuddlees and do some productive things for my career as Lil Fangs. Even though I keep introducing myself as Dominique Elia in real life hahaha.

~~โ€ข~~

21:58 (09:58 PM) 

Haha meoow I should have asked if I could come along when this meow said that he had to go to another borrel to give a speech there as well. I’m waay better at being a social Cuddle when there’s no indirect time pressure. Please be my Graeyniss? ๐Ÿ™

Being my Graeyniss means spending a lot of time with me ๐Ÿ™‚ . Ahh I need to change around my business website again and make sure that it shows that I’m not a social movement. Movements don’t make real changes. I just want to seriously save this planet. Haha this could be put in motion if I were to [I’ll laugh about the informal use of names] be able to arrange a meeting [including serious conversation and doing something fun] with Vicje [haha meoow if I wanted to go for a hug, I should have done it right after he walked in, but I have a youth trauma from disturbing adults when they’re talking – people are always all over him, it seems – while I didn’t really have a good ground for disturbing, so I was waiting for I don’t even know what… So at some point – ah I just kept on drinking in the meantime ๐Ÿ™ – I thought of “using the same strategy as last time”, but I couldn’t find any words to throw in the conversation that was going on, when I suddenly creeped up next to my meow, who was listening to someone talk, with someone else standing next to him as well. It didn’t feel like the right moment to say all of the things I wanted to say. Ik klapte gewoon helemaal dicht… My thoughts went like Now or never… Now or never… I put myself under some trippy pressure. That’s how much I love you my meoow. I also love you for starting the conversation ๐Ÿ˜€ ♥ . I always trip over my choice of words, because I want to sound very positive and professional ahaha… But my situation truly isn’t, at the moment…], my EUR Graeynissis, Rutte and Trump. And me ๐Ÿ˜€ . I have some strategies that involve you, about the environment, the economy and plans of evacuation… Ah meoww we should dine together and talk about it ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Haha I’m going back to working something like 40 hours a week. I really need to be stacking for so many reasons, but health wise, I’m like Dwight in that one episode of The Office US [one of the few television shows I truly love to watch] where he has a torn pancreas, but he still wants to give a presentation HAHAHA ๐Ÿ™ . Is er een bedrijfsarts? ๐Ÿ™

I’ll be bed petting until I fall asleep and then probably go downstairs in the middle of the night to eat something. This time I won’t share it right away, if I go downstairs at night, because I spend too much time typing…

Good night, my Cuddle 😻

Love me? ๐Ÿ™

xxx