00:25 (12:25 PM)
My growling stomach indicated that it’s time for my pre bed meal, so…
I’m drinking jasmine tea with this… Meow .
Where I was before this? After coming back “home” from the party, where I was very awkward and it is and was eating at me, playing games on my Switch and writing that other Dutch post. I often write posts without mentioning anything about it in my diary.
All of this blog posting, is something I do, because otherwise, I would have no ways of being able to express my true self. I just keep explaining the benauwende situation I’m in, hoping that someone notices me and saves me. I don’t mean benauwend in the sense that anyone is actively torturing me or anything, but I just need to be assisted in an environment that truly suits me. It’s the inner rage of mental and physical loneliness.
By the way, you know how in any movie/series/whatever the person owning a huge corporation is most often the bad guy? (It’s most often a guy… (Ugh movie females are most often so passive and dramatic.)) I think that’s why most people assume that I’m evil, without them even knowing what I’m trying to do. (I don’t want to use a word that gives me palpitations when it’s used in the context of me, but that’s psychotic as fuuuuuck…)
When I was playing a boxing demo [that word reminds me of when I was in EMC, and there, just like at Bavo Europoort, people were struggling with giving me a diagnosis (they just completely ignored the clearing my file part), so at some point I was invited to give a “demo”, where I had to discuss my case in a small lecture room, where all the psychiatry related doctors were present. And then I was given those official diagnoses you can see in 180 Days of Fangs… Domme klootzakken… Ik hoorde dat er een zwembandjes sale was ergens 🙂 . ], while SBS6 was on, and I heard a girl collected more than €10000, by diving into the water every day, from the Summer until her nieuwjaarsduik [diving in the cold can get you sick 🙁 ]. She was sponsored to do that. The money is used to build houses in Africa somewhere.
I have not raised or earned a single penny with this, and what I do is historic. Do you understand why I want to die? Ik ga echt niet weer 40 uur fucking klantenservice shit doen. Dan kan ik ook niks posten hѐ. Where the fuck do I sign up for doing simple shit for a lot of money? That way of generating funds is such crazy non-value…. My project really is fun 🙁 . The easiest way to understand is by either letting me put it into practice, or letting me make a drawing of what it looks like. I currently don’t even have money or space to make art. Ah meow 🙁 .
I’m going to bed. Tomorrow… I don’t have a reason to go outside. I do want to. But for what… It’s cold, so no long solo walks 🙁 . I’ll make a beat and draw some 🙂 . I hope I’ll get a response to that book sized email I wrote, since that meow now almost doesn’t have a holiday anymore…. My last resort employer… Sexy cattttttttt…
Sribi switi [ = slaap lekker = sweet dreams (is what comes closest to it… It’s actually “sleep good”, but that doesn’t sound as romanticized as I mean it) ]
– xxx –
I already had quite some trouble falling asleep, and then, suddenly, somehow – maybe it was The Head Cuddle¿ – I thought that maybe I wrote the date on that second Dutch article incorrectly. And I did. Of course, it’s 2019 now, ha-ha.
I’m still tired, so I will continue to attempt to fall asleep. Reminder to self that I elaborate on my issue with generalizations on gender later. I speak of tomorrow, earlier in this post, but I mean today, after waking up.
My growling stomach indicated that…
Haha I’ll again be closing my eyes sooon. Mind you that I still haven’t seen a phycisian for the white blood cells in my urine, which might influence my very frequent hunger. I now find all hunger too soon, because I’m so tired of the act of cooking. Every for me edible thing a Dutch supermarket has, I’ve eaten a zillion times in my life already.
16:47 (04:47 PM)
I saw that I have some cash left in my wallet, so I’ll use that to buy pencils and a sketch book 🙂 . Then I can show you my design for that cape I mentioned a while back :D. I also feel like eating spaghetti with a lot of vegetables, so that’s my other reason for going outside today 🙂 .
I feel quite stupid… The staircase here isn’t even suitable for what I intended to do to myself. I have to go home for that. My parents finding me, feels like a more comfortable way of saying “fuck you” to them. All my life, they’ve been telling me that they’re good parents. As a child, you easily mime what your parents say. That you have a semi-well paying job, doesn’t directly mean that you’re a good parent. Neither does not having a drug problem and not attacking your child whenever things are not going your way. That they use that as arguments as to why they’re good parents, is very vomit worthy.
With things like jumping in front of a train, there’s still a very slight chance of surviving (there was this documentary I saw on national television…)… I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off, but this is just my fucking last day. My life just doesn’t make sense and I hate being stuck in it. I should have just done it on New Year’s.
21:49 (09:49 PM)
Here’s a sketch-ish drawing of the cape I spoke about a few posts ago:
I try to show a different balance between a formal and informal style of clothing. A fur collar is relatively informal, and so are spikes, but I think it still looks quite formal. Purple would have been a cool color, too.
For our polygamous wedding, I’ll make some cool designs, too. (Haha funny use of tenses. As if it’s planned…) I would love to live with all of my loves in one big house .
I’m a tired petje now… I also made a salad for dinner in the meantime. Apparently spaghetti was already planned to be today’s dinner, because the grandchildren were visiting. We played on my Switch and drew together.
My heart hurts 🙁
The raising billions using PayPal thing doesn’t feel comfortable at all, by the way. I’m “glad” no one has donated anything, besides myself. That one euro has vanished into thin air. I’m going to take the thing offline. Tomorrow… I’m tired 🙁 .
My one very important rule my life, is that I should leave it before my Cuddles and Graeynissis do, because I cannot physically and emotionally exist without them. Not that we are that right now, socially. I’m still alone…
The trippiest thing about being where I am right now, is that I have so many belongins of mine here, that I basically can’t move anywhere else without help of anyone. And that I’m far too broke to travel.
The sign up deadline for a next year of study at The Open University, is in 3 days. I don’t have the money to enroll. I’m also not enthousiastic about studying.
My head is spinning with future related worry. In the end, this world is still so dumb, faulty and meaningless, I don’t know why I keep letting myself be exposed to all of this pressure all of the time. The only way to escape it is by dying. My bank account is on – €497,03 and my limit is – €500. With the amount of cash I have, let’s say somehow I would get hired, I could travel there, but I wouldn’t be able to travel back home.
On the gender thing: I hope the men who are my audience – from my statistics (and real life sort of haha) I know that my websites aren’t doing well with the majority of women – aren’t staying away from me, because they think I’m like the passive women who keep emphasizing that they don’t know about most things that are going on in reality, and cry over broken nails and shit. (It sounds like torture being in a relationship with someone like that.) You might also know that I won’t blow my entire income on shopping for clothing and other shiz. You have seen my entire wearable wardrobe at least six times by now.
I want to have your heart… Figuratively, of course. With my love, I want to make you feel the best you have ever felt. Please be mine 🙁 . We kunnen zo veel waarde aan elkaars leven toevoegen. Een gezinsleven is niet de essentie van het leven. We moeten het beste uit elkaar halen, in een creative en routinevrije context. You’ll always feel loved and be happy and free, surrounded by truly like-minded people.
The stupidity of this world would not be a disturbance anymore, when you’re with me. Please be my Cuddle 🙁 . I don’t want to die alone 🙁 . I don’t want to feel the feeling of loneliness anymore.
I just finished my pre-bed-meal. I’m going to sleep. I’m so tired 🙁 .
I love you so much, you’re the reason why I’m still alive.
I wish I could be with you
Sleeping alone sucks big time
– xxx –