01:26

My Cuddle ♥

How’s your night? 

Mine is chill 

xo

As in that the night is calm. There’s a lot less noise from cars, trucks and police and ambulance sirenes. 

I just combined two types of tea because we have so much tea to choose from and I “currently” have no one to share it with? 

No paid advertising for sureee

And I whispered about it out loud while I got the idea… 

There’s this thing that makes me tell on myself. I’ve had that since that moment I was taken to the first aid. It started internally, since I wasn’t speaking then. 

After that, the sudden visits of psychiatrists and the police interrogation made it worse externally. Now it’s the continuous fear that comes with my current environment, since my opinion is that I shouldn’t have been taken to the first aid. I refused to come along at first, but after some yelling and pushing, I gave in. Do I live with papa? 

I’ve mentioned that story about 46 times for sure. 

My tea was nice. 

I fit in this? As in when the roof would collapse due to decay or because of natural circumstances (“dykes”)

04:03

May my initials be D.D.L.C.? If you pronounce the letters in English, you say “that DLC” in Dutch ehehehe.  

My stomach is loud asf – my synonym for “I’m hungry” – and I can’t fall asleep when I’m hungry, so I’ll make myself a boterham met pindakaas en pure hagelslag [het woord hagelslag klinkt echt als een massavernietigingswapen voor iemand die alleen maar de g klanken hoort en niet weet wat het woord hagelslag betekent hahaha]. “A sandwich (slices of bread) with peanut butter and dark chocolate “sprinkles””… After I tell you: I swear I did not know that he was my father at that time of the interrogation. If you look at what my last name is, and that my mother calls the man whose house I live in “your father”, my perspective could be understood from any other perspective, I think… 

Okayy now I’m going to get up. Oof… 

I see I have no Graeynissis on Reddit either, by the way… 

Mag ik mijn vader likken? Mijn vermoeidheid verveelt me en ik zoek naar een vorm van entertainment…

Bij de ene persoon denk ik “yay” en bij de ander denk ik “…hoe heb ik jouw achternaam? Plus, ook jij hebt volgens mij iets onder de leden. It’s in our odor…” Maar ik heb volgens mij wat mijn opa had en nog iets anders, dus het hoeft niet iets genetisch overdraagbaars te zijn? Maar dat is dan sowieso alleen als Elia de genetisch gezien juiste achternaam is van mij…

Cuddle mee :[.

Ooh ik ging brood maken x_x. Mijn maag mattie… x_x 

Het regent… 

Het milieu is zo ver opgefokt dat deze herfst en winter wel misschien de laatste kunnen zijn, voor hier… Tranen inhouden en doorbijten zal ik zeggen… Ik spreek vanuit mijn eigen perspectief. Dat is het enige wat ik kan doen… 

Still hungry…

This looks like that TV studio where they shoot “outer space”…

13:07

Good afternoon :] 

I woke up a few quarters ago.  With the upcoming deadline, the cold and the way I feel about my current appearance, I think that the right thing to do is to braid my hair with extensions again. Especially now that my zorgtoeslag has been deposited. [My health bills are higher than the toeslag anyway. By the way, I think it’s better to give someone a budget of €95 for free health care, instead of giving that person €95 to spend on health care or whatever. The health industry should have never been privatized…] 

As I braid my hair, I could use my currently still untouched microphone and use today to talk through everything I still need to write out – it’s a lot. Listening back as I write, the next day, will speed up my writing. I want to be done typing on the 27th, so that I have from the 27th until the 31st to work on visuals and other – in the end – aspects of marketing. The documents that are now written “for the investor”, will be converted into web pages within that period. 

So I’ll eat and get ready to buy my relatively cheap extensions. And hair gel… 

15:14

Now that I’m done eating my first meal of the day [Yeah I need to fix my biological rhythm. Maybe I need a more natural environment?] 

Something with a higher nutritional value would be highly appreciated

Before I came downstairs, I made my “before” pictures:

I didn’t blend the lace color with the color of my skin. I’m too pale for the shades of powder I currently have anyway

The lacee + wearing the same style of make-up since I was 16

Since I came back from Germany on the 13th, if I’m correct, I’ve gone outside once so for the sake of getting more outside air and exercise, I’m going to the mall by bike. 

My mother proposed to go for lunch and buy a new bed and I told her we should do that on Friday, because I want to braid my hair and work on my deadlines. She told me that money was tight, when I was about to become financially homeless in Germany, so she couldn’t help me go to the US ever. Thus I wonder what the fuck kind of lie I’m living. 

Meoww I’m by the way going to make my unedited audio recordings a podcast-ish thing on Spotify and other music streaming services. This reappeared in my mind while I was in the shower. The first time I got the idea was the day before I bought the microphone. 

15:43 

Okay I didn’t know that my sister is still using my bike. She told me that she used it while I was away and then she broke something and brought it to the bicycle repair shop yesterday. 

Now my bike is fixed, but apparently, hers is still broken. Her bike was in the front shed and mine wasn’t. 

So I’m taking the metro. I forgot my card at home though and I almost got into the wrong one “haha”. I sometimes get these waves of internal, not whispered or said out loud anger, thinking: “These motherfuckers know and think that I know, too, but I don’t know a thing, otherwise I wouldn’t fucking be here. Yet still these bitches think that I’m mentally ill or something, solely out to bathe myself in riches. You can fucking die if you think that about me, for sure. I’m trying to save people, but I’m not a politician, so this is not my task. If you’re that much of a thorn in my eye, you’ll have to save yourself. Good fucking luck.”

Zoo de struggle als je onderweg bent naar het winkelcentrum en je moet ineens kaki… HAHAHAHAH. From the topics I’m posting about, you might notice that the stagnation of human evolution is internally making me go so fucking crazy. This government weed (genetic manipulation involved) isn’t making it any better hahaha. But it’s better than nothing, for my lonely mind… 

16:44

I’m on my way back. If you do your shit within two hours, it’s cheaper to get a ticket for two hours of travelling, instead of charging your personal or anonymous travel card. I just realized that haha. 

Earlier, I ran into my half American friend I used to have this crazy crush on when I was in middle school. There was also another half American guy I had a crush on when I was in high school. The middle school guy is mixed and the high school guy is caucasian. 

I bought hair extensions, shampoo and conditioner for black hair, this hair hemp treatment, some teas for my new daily routine [I drink a cup of tea before going to sleep. Following doctor’s advice when it comes to trying to create a routine. (May it be in a different house?)], CBD pills, some face cleansing stuff, “additive free” shag, because the taste of unfiltered cigarettes @ weed is not nice haha and organic rolling papers.