09:49 (AM) 

Good morning 💕

I really appreciate you reading my diary! I have never talked about this with you (yet), but the idea that I air out the contents of my mind, and that you then keep coming back to read it, fills my heart with so much joy! 

When I mention the contents in real life, people often want to falsify them. Even though I don’t mention it – because if I were to mention it and they would try to debunk that, too, I will become agitated and the stress levels on my heart will increase a lot – I find it annoying when people do that, because I state the way I perceive reality – often in a summarized manner, which is my personal truth. They have their own personal truths. Everyone has a unique perception and thus “real perception” of life is always subjective. Of course, people might define parts of their experience in the same way – such as saying that the sky is blue, but if someone else defines their experience in a way that is not similar, that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. If someone is color blind, and states that the sky is not blue, that is true, too. It is true, because it is not a lie and it is based on the real perception of the person who made the statement. 

I think that falsifying someone’s statements is a way of portraying him/her as “different in a less positive sense” and as if “the falsifier” is trying to say that the other perception doesn’t/shouldn’t count. If the perception is different, but in a way that is still within acceptable boundaries, then there’s no need to falsify someone’s words. I don’t think anyone truly feels comfortable with the submission to another’s perception, in a discussion built around falsification. Personally, I think falsification is pointless. Why shape every rough diamond into the same shape?

Everyone who’s shaped in the exact same way, might be valued the same way, within the same society, but I think this shaping makes you lose part of your true personality. I think you should want to stand out – in terms of unique reasoning – instead of to blend into someone following the same script. There’s a downside to standing out, though: it can lead to someone else’s jealousy.

Meoww, I’m going to transfer what’s on my prepaid account to my debit account, because of the bills coming up. Ending this month with my account on minus can’t be avoided, though, because even though I accepted Mirtazapin as a substitute for serotonin, the type of medication Mirtazapin belongs to, brings back a lot of bad memories, when it comes to the side-effects and unnatural constituents influencing your natural brain chemistry. Doctor Cuddle [Do I sound slightly crazy for calling him this? I might. But I can’t help that I find him Cuddle…] said that I should take serotonin. He didn’t say that I should take an anti-depressant. I don’t want things like anti-depressants and anti-psychotics in my body, because I believe that they don’t belong there. So when the pharmacist said that Mirtazapin is all they have in stock that is similar to serotonin, I should have refused it. Two days ago, when I finished the antibiotic treatment, and I considered starting to take mirtazapin, I thought: “Nooo waaaaay,” after reading the package leaflet. 

There’s this substance called 5-HTP, which you can buy at “any health store”, of which it is said that the body turns it into serotonin. So that’s what I’ll be purchasing also, when I’m outside. I’ll cycle to the city center, because in the other malls closer to my house, they don’t have and the right bank, and the right stores, at the same place. I also [again, let myself be talked into the decision where I] need to buy a morning after pill 😔. Every time, I tell myself I should stop trying to seek mutual affection, because I’m in love and seeking that in someone else will just make me miss him more. 

I love someone very fast, when he/she doesn’t cause stress on my heart and when I can truly be myself around him/her. There are levels to the way I love, though:

  • “Level 1”: this person has a special place in my heart – probably because we have such a long history together – and because of that, I let him/her be and do whatever he/she wants to do to me, because my heart doesn’t allow me to do something else. But because this not allowing is a defense mechanism of my heart, when I start a new life, I do not intend to keep him/her in it. This might be hard in the beginning, but for my health, it’s the absolute best, in the long term. 
  • “Level 2”: I love the unique (personality) features of this person. For him/her I make exceptions, to meet him/her, because even though my heart actually doesn’t want me to meet up with someone else – unless it’s level 3 or 4, because I need to learn who to trust again. A situation with my beliefs I’ll – basically for the first time – explain to you later, has caused everyone who might have been at another love level in my life, to be transferred to level 2. At this level, we might have been spending quite some time together, but because of the situation – that once wasn’t there –  I’m now trying to figure out if I can trust you with my heart or not. 
  • “Level 3”: I feel safe with expressing myself around this person. He/she has, through his/her philosophy,  ambition and craft(s) (of interest), made me feel a (friendly) spark, which makes me want to know all about his/her perception of life. Because this person can give me just as much as I can give him/her, I don’t have to worry about having much more to do/say. [By this, I mean that in courtship and in entertaining him/her (as a host), it is the nicest when he/she has the (mental) tools to give me back a similar experience. (I’ll make you food, play video games with you on the device of your preference, give you a piano lesson/let us improvise together, show you around the neighborhood and “mijn hersenen kraken” about other things I can do to make you have a nice experience.) And that because of his/her path and personality, he/she also has a lot of things to talk about, with the topic of him/herself. I don’t like to, in a conversation, talk much more than the other person. I want it to be balanced out. To achieve that balance, he/she needs to have enough “self-content” or “self-reasoned” philosophy to discuss.] When I start a new life, I want this person to stay in it. 
  • “Level 4”: this is a naturally reserved position, sealed by “the situation”. I’ll elaborate on this later, because now, I’m so hungry and I’m starting to become light headed. The piece below, I wrote while I was making the list. 

If you wonder why I don’t like making phone calls: it’s because I can’t read the face of the person I’m talking to, which makes it harder for me to see what his/her emotions are and to calculate what the right response is. 

13:36 (01:36 PM) 

I live very close to a highway-ish road and a police station. Every time I hear a sirene, my heart starts “to trip out” and in silence, I think: “They’re coming to get me. Someone has called them, because he/she thinks that I’m acting “too schizophrenically” again.” 

The brick wall is “to block (most of) the sound”. On the “summit” of the dyke(-ish structure), there’s a “max 80 km/h” road (but a lot of people – including me – speed on it, because it allows for it)

I worry about how my body behaves so much, I’m never truly myself. Especially since “the situation”. Even though there is a part of me that says [these parts are not literally talking]: “I might not be as outgoing as I used to be, but my behavior is normal. If someone comments on the fact that I’m sitting on a public bench by myself for a while [something that used to happen soooo very often], that could be because he/she doesn’t understand that I can enjoy doing that.” I used to go for long walks/cycle far, daily, and then search for the most remote bench, to sit there. I would write there, read a book, smoke weed, listen to music and/or just sit there and reason in silence. Even at the remote bench, there would be people walking past. Often, when I’d see the same person walk by a second time, he/she would say: “Shouldn’t you be going home? You’ve been sitting here for longer than an hour.” When someone tells me this, I often just said: “No.” And smiled [even though I would feel like crying and I would be sitting there because I don’t want to go home] and then focus myself on something else, such as a book or my phone. If I considered it time to go home, I would have gone home. I don’t want to express how I truly feel, to someone who starts a conversation in that way. Hearing that comment so often, made me feel so watched and made me feel as if I’m a weird person. I now don’t sit on public benches by myself anymore, except this one where people rarely walk by twice, at a location where pedestrians rarely come after work hours. It is on top of a hill and has a pretty view of a monument and the university. 

Meow, I’m hesitant with describing level 4, because it has brought me so much trouble. I now basically put most of my reasoning in ways to hide level 4. I’m going to take a shower and head to the city center, hoping to find the right words to clearly describe to you that me believing what I’ll say, doesn’t mean that I’m a schizophrenic. Of course, I also need to accept that not everyone will believe me. This far, I’ve never heard someone say: “I believe you.” I hope you will believe me, my Cuddle. I’m so alone in my beliefs 😔