01:18 (AM) 

I just ordered some business cards, which will be delivered in 2 days :].

[I chose fast delivery, because I want to travel to the US around October 9th.]

I decided to stop the “I start a new post when I wake up”. This was something I kept doing, because I wanted to start my posts with “good morning” and end them with “good night”, but my sleeping schedule is already way beyond that…. 

The copyright texts of my websites are changed :]. Oh boy, I must have made such a random impression on you… 

Today, I want to go jogging (if it doesn’t rain [I have been chilling inside, by myself for sooooooo loooong it just makes me want to run, see other countries and meet (new) friendss]), change the description text @ the unpublished episodes, write a smashwords bio and answer the interview questions I posed a few days ago. 

I’m having some (caffeine free) tea now,  while eating a mandarin. This, while I’m running CCleaner on my computer. 

Haha I feel so grey when I describe the things I do. This makes me want to do the exact opposite? [Is that then a mid life crisis? HAHAHAHAHA] I actually prefer to do the opposite, but still, there’s a limit to the wildness I like to experience. As in I’d love to party and get intoxicated and stuff, but I want to feel comfortable in the crowd and remember the night the next day… I feel comfortable when I’m around people who party with that same intention. 

I’ve had different phases, though. There were years in which I didn’t drink at all, there were years where I got so drunk that I didn’t remember anything of that night. On those drunk nights, that’s where, I’ve heard, I got kissy… Ve-ry kissy…

Kissing is a lot more fun when you can remember it the next day, I think :D. 

I’ll be going to sleep now. 

Good night! 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

13:41 (01:41 PM) 

Hi 😀

I can’t get out of bed… It’s funny how last year, when I was not allowed to leave the house by myself, because people were convinced that I was crazy [this was before I went missing], as soon as I got the chance to catch some fresh air by myself, I never wanted to come back to this house. And now I’ve spent so many days working inside this house, I’m feeling the same urge to be free. But by being free I don’t mean meeting up with people who don’t believe my side of the story, but say that they’re my friends, in the city I’ve been spending my days in, for more than 21 years. 

I thought of completely re-writing the The Unpublished Episodes text, but I’ll just make more clear what I mean by “help me clear my name”. I’m not trying to involve you in the drama. I also not trying to make you to openly take a side and “make online noise” about it. (But of course I would appreciate it if you would…) I just hope that you are open to my perspective. I hope that when I start the case to not get the regular “you were mentally ill first and you are healthy now” “declaration”, but a “I have been treated in a way I shouldn’t have been treated and this should have never been in my files”, you will hope that I’ll win this case. And that after the case, when I start my new life, you will become more part of it. 

The copies I ordered from The Unpublished Episodes and The U.S.H.R. are proof copies, by the way. Which is nice when it comes to saving up a slight bit [because I don’t pay for my share], but is a lot less nice when it comes to my future bookshelf with my own publications… Because proof copies have “not for resale” on them, and regular copies don’t… 

If you were my close friend and you would know that I’m saving up for Project Nosce Te Ipsum as it is described on the D.O.C.I.S. International website, would you buy a copy? 

People say that “I have money to blow”, because my father has a lot of money. But when I ask him for money, he tells me to get a job, so… I earn everything I spend myself. [Unless it’s medical bills or whatever, on such a level that they start to threaten to end my membership or sue me or whatever… But that’s because they don’t want them to take their stuff… Plus, most people I know of my age, have their parents paying most of their bills.] They don’t believe me when I say that. There’s nothing more annoying than people saying that you’re crazy and/or lying, while you’re speaking the truth. 

15:22 (03:22 PM) 

I’m making pourridge now. With rice and oats this time. Rice, oat flakes, cow milk, soy milk, cinnamon, vanilla essence, brown sugar, almond essence, nutmeg and a little bit of butter (not margarine) in the end. A fusion of rice pudding and oatmeal. 

I’ll start with the interview questions, because I think that is the most fun. 

When I’m done doing everything on my list, I’ll do some online marketing again. The thing with my target audience is that they’re not as active on the media I can market on. I’d be better off if I were to advertise on the back of The Economist or The Harvard Business Review (to which I had a subscription when I was 16). Hopefully I’ll still get some engagement, though… This worry about my success has tied a knot in my stomach. 

Haha my content should be more “on level Facebook”, showing you “I’m doing cool stuff. Look at how beautifully this project is developing itself.” “I’m only doing cool stuff and smiling from ear to ear in the many pictures I’m showing you of me together with other people who are also the face of success.” *Cool scenery* *Some more cool scenery* *Funny video* *An even funnier video*

I’ll get there…. Right……? I need to seek my support elsewhere than where I live now, I think… I still don’t understand why bad news about me that wasn’t even true can go so viral, but when I try to redeem myself, suddenly no one wants to spread the word. I feel so stabbed in the back… And this isn’t even my first campaign. When I was in the hospital, I was also busy working on D.O.C.I.S. International. When the people who said: “Yes, of course I’ll engage in your business plans,” didn’t engage in it at all, that’s when I came up with the idea to just “approach the masses” at once. But without an “achterban”, I make an odd impression… I hope you’ll be my achterban. I wonder what your age is… I think most of the people who appreciate my work are much older than me. [Which is cool :D. I like diversity!]

There are some people in this city who have supported me. It’s not everyone, who has left me. It is the majority, though… 

17:50 (05:50 PM) 

I accompanied my mother when she went to the mall. She had to buy some groceries and I needed soap and an infuser. 

I want to travel to LA really bad, but if I go, I want to live comfortably and have people to hang out with. My issue is that, especially if I’ll be marketing my project, I don’t have a budget for the holiday (actually it’s “the life” I want to live) there. [To start a new life there, I have to earn every penny myself, to pay my rent etc…] 

Also, my physical health has been acting up in so many ways, that it might be better for me to spend my savings on an independent MRI scan, somewhere abroad. 

I really want to start a new life, but I can’t go back to an office job for 40 hours per week anywhere… Not when I have this business… Not when I don’t want to be there and get a headache from shallow conversations…. 

I would have to work for at least a year, while still living with my parents, because why would I waste money on paying rent to live in an area I don’t want to live in… 

It feels so “x_x” to spend my last savings on an MRI [deep down I’m soooooo certain that they’ll find something, but I just don’t want to know. If I can’t get my business off the ground, I don’t even know why I would save myself…]. But I know that what they’ll find will back-up my court case. In the hospitals I’ve stayed at, I named my physical health issues, and they returned: “No, you’re just a schizophrenic. We’re not letting you do an MRI.” [And that while I told them that if they want to confirm that I’m crazy, which they never have and weren’t able to – yet still they put me through their fucked up treatment – they could “prove themselves” with a brain scan… “But that all costs too much.” Sounds like this relative of mine… It makes me feel a crazy form of neglection when people say that you’re not worth something they can easily afford.]

I dislike doing things like web maintenance, by the way, which is why I took so long to do it. It would be much nicer to have someone who’s specialized in it to do it for me. But I don’t have a budget for that. I want a new logo. And to not publish under the name of Lil Fangs… But it’s better to let haters hate on a temporary name. Why do I take haters into consideration…? x_x 

Meoww I need good advisors. By good advisors, I mean people who speak from experience and who really want to see me succeed. Not people who say negative things for the sake of saying negative things. Who don’t know anything about my process or what I exactly do, but just say: “Too much text.” Or, “I don’t like this color.” To get the appreciation of that type of people, I need very short animation videos with flashy colors and this deep sexy voice narrating it, with a slight over-do in enthusiasm. And then inculcate the content of it in many ways, on many platforms, until my brand says “established”. Only then they would work with me. 

I don’t want to request the MRI, but I have to, I guess. Just existing is already requiring so much energy. When someone tells me shit and I actually want to rage, but I hold back, my heart acts up so bad that I can’t breathe. That’s why I stay away from most people who are convinced that I’m a schizophrenic. 

Shout out to yesterday’s intense increase in web-traffic, by the way! 😀 <3

That is what makes me feel slight happiness… Hoping that those who see it don’t think “Too much text.” And “Too much complaining.”

Ah, I’ll be writing this self-interview, because I have a reason for expressing myself in a way secretly almost everyone feels, deep down. 

21:16 (09:16 PM) 

I’m already in bed… I don’t know why I get tired so fast… 

The interview, I’m writing on my phone. (Just like I write every diary post on my phone.) 

I think it’s better to wait with advertising, until I have a sponsor. Then I can make better ads, too. [Sponsor my “independent living”, too, please…? 😀 <3]

But where to find sponsors…. And how to not have my parents interfere in this…? I need my own place to stay… I reallyy don’t want a repetition of last year… I want my B back :[.

I think I’ll finish the interview tomorrow. I also still need to rewrite my book descriptions. (But I don’t feel like doing it…) Part of me wants to replace them with new books… But there’s so much hard work put into it :[.

Hopefully I’ll wake up with a solution…

Good night <3

xxx