17:27 (05:27 PM)
“Should I start every online diary article with a form of “hello” and of “I’m very fond of your interest in me, my dear reader. That interest is mutual, so I ask you questions in my diary and I hope I’ll hear your answers to them one day. I hope I’ll get to know you better and that we’ll become good friends”¿” [I will be doing this differently, “from tomorrow onwards”. You’re still my Cuddle, though :D.]
I hope that the many alternative forms of the same message have been clear throughout my previous diary posts. It’s made to give people who are interested in participating in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, an update of the status of the project. It’s also made for me to vent things I can’t talk about with the people in my environment. I hope that there are some people left on this earth who don’t have the bias of me being “bad news” and “crazy”, and that I could spend the rest of my time with them, so that the things I need to vent won’t even exist, and I can be a happy Cuddle. Hopefully together with you!
The things I’m venting here are a side-effect of the permanent bad image that (some/most) people now have of me, because of the false rumors that have been spread about me.
I know it’s not very usual to show such extreme self-expressions of self on a website, but I hope I’ll find people who do relate to this and who do not consider me a bad entrepreneur, a bad writer or anything else bad of the many fields I’m active in, just for expressing how I feel underneath the emotions my physical appearance shows. It’s only in this way, because otherwise I can’t reduce the intensity of the underlying emotion I don’t let my body show. I also hope those who come across this can relate to this and, if the feeling of loneliness were to be there, feel less alone in this.
I know that (“almost”) e-ve-ry single person on the face of the earth has at least once said, done or experienced something that he or she wouldn’t want to share with just anyone, because, even though that one thing doesn’t define all of someone’s personality, some people might still base their perception of that person on that one thing that could be considered negative. In that way, “we have all been there”. The difference for me and some others, is the scale on which this has happend, and that it was beyond our control.
By “beyond our control”, I mean that we didn’t have a hand in whether the message is sent or not. If I could have hand in the message that was sent, when I was “missing”, I would have said: “DO NOT SEND ANYTHING TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will make people “worried” for no reason and cause so much false bad publicity for me that it can ruin my entire future. The reason why I’m running away is because that was the only way for me to escape from the house you have locked me inside of. From the start, you knew that I didn’t want this and you still keep persisting your measures. The only way for me to breathe in outside air and move my muscles is by running away. I do not intend to come back.”
That I’m here now, doesn’t mean that I want to be here. I hope my attempts to work and live abroad won’t be sabotaged, like in the past…
Because of what happend to me in 2017, I have no other choice but to “open Pandora’s Box” and point out why the rumors that have been spread aren’t the truth. This because the bias that has been caused by false beliefs, limits me in my professional life. I still have big plans for ways to improve life, I want to put into practice. It’s not possible for me to do that, if people believe that I’m a bad and crazy person, because of how I have been portrayed. It is not easy to recover from such a fucked up first impression, on so many people that it went beyond my own network. That’s actually even worse than “fucked up”.
18:29 (06:29 PM)
I wish I wasn’t showing you my issues with my parents anymore… I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself, but “we all know how that went, last time”...
It seems like my mother isn’t a big fan of my plans to work abroad. There were no positive statements made, only: “Who says you’ll find the right job?” “Who says you’ll find an apartment?” “Maybe you won’t get the paperwork.” She wants me to work and study in the Netherlands. The urge in me to live somewhere else, becomes greater every day. I want to go to a calm and pretty sunny beach. I’d like to live somewhere where there’s no (or less) cold weather. Some place where there’s a lot of (non-artificially planted) nature, where you can enjoy the sounds of it, instead of hearing cars, sirenes and honking trucks way too often on a day.
If someone were to be enthusiastic about my ideas, I would just focus myself on that person and talk to him or her, instead of talking with people with a pessimistic form of determinism on their minds, believing nonsense such as “We can never know anything,” “Eternal peace is impossible to achieve,” et cetera. That shit is toxic. With myself, I notice that when I only meet people who believe such things, and I try to prevent silence in a conversation, I just start rephrasing things related to that form of determinism, because I have nothing else to talk about with them. Information about my project I don’t often share with people who answer: “Nothing, just watching TV or something,” to the question: “What do you like to do?” I seek people who would enjoy participating in my project. Participating means that you’ll be using your brain a lot and that
I have opened the messages from the government, which I’ve mentioned a few days ago. One says pay €7.692,96 before the 18th of October. Another one says pay €961,62 before the 25th of October. For both, if I don’t, it wil automatically be converted into a loan over which I need to pay interest. I’ll have to start paying back monthly, within two years, it says.
19:39 (07:39 PM)
My strategy for the new Nosce Te Ipsum was based on the words “clear and complete”. It’s a lot less long, compared to the first and second episode of the previous version of the series. There’s a lot more information about Project Nosce Te Ipsum and A LOT more information about the context of the fill-in-the-gap story. I’ve changed the context of our interaction to something more thrilling to “get out of”. I hope it’s now more clear that it’s a “book quest” that is indirect (self-)research.
For the sake of light exercise, a change of scenes and seeing people of whom I think they’re Cuddle, I’ll be going to “the university” later. I still, in conversations, say “the university”, even though I’m not a student there (anymore).
21:53 (09:53 PM)
I think the new fill-in-the-gap story is an improvement, compared to the old one. It’s not exactly new. It starts in a different point in te story, less in medias res.
23:02 (11:02 PM)
Haha meoww I’m in the mood for something light and semi-sweet, but I left my bank card at home… Should I go home…¿ I don’t want to haha…….
But I will, I guesssss. Some brandy would be nice… And I feel like eating wentelteefjes, haha. The fill-in-the-gap story is spread over two mini chapters now.
00:36 (12:36 AM)
Change of plans… I had a glass of water, haha……
I’ll make some rice pourridge tomorrow, for breakfast. I plan on having breakfast. In the morning… I most often don’t have breakfast…
But tomorrow needs to be a productive day :D… So that means getting up early (they say).
Here’s a link to the paperback of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, which I haven’t promoted yet.
Only if I submit the new episode before tomorrow night, I can be sure of it being in stores on the 30th. Meow… I’m doing my very best :].
I feel uncomfortable about promoting The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I at least just as much as Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, because I’ve written about my situation with Benoît so extensively, but I haven’t talked about it with him, because I have been somehow separated from him. This since the police issue. I want to know what happend :[. They’ve said he’s too old for me. But what if I dig greyness? Not that I’ve been intimate with him in that way. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t want to, though… Those agents, too, already had their bias when they interrogated me. So when I answered a question, they said: “No, it’s actually this,” as if they know my mind better than I do, “correcting” my statements.
I miss him :[. The project I’m working on now, is based off the blueprint of the campaign I wanted to make for him, before my parents interfered in my PR business, by taking parental measures (while the company was mine and only mine). In this project, I’ve reserved a spot for him…
I hope somehow I’ll be able to get back in touch with him. He’s one of the few people I can truly talk to :[. (In the sense that I can’t truly express myself in “small talk friendships”.)
On the trippy bill I got from the government: my preference goes out to paying the whole thing at once. At the moment I am far from able to do that, so I’d rather enjoy the rest of the money I have while it lasts and take myself on a mini vacation before I might go back to working 40 hours per week in beast mode. I just purchased a travel case for my Nintendo Switch, Sonic Mania [, I wanted to buy Super Smash Brothers, too, but I saw it isn’t out yet for the Switch] and two “popular” books I’ve wanted to read, but haven’t (fully) read yet: The Prince and Letters of a Stoic [some of these letters I do have translated in school, I believe]. They’re both in English. I always love to read books about which there’s a lot of controversy [while most of the people who have an opinion about it haven’t even read it], because there’s often a lot to reflect on, there. Just like when I read Propaganda by Edward Bernays…
If I’m done writing etc. tomorrow, I could buy new travel suitcases on Friday… Should I go to Italy or California…? Italy is closer by, so I could stay there for longer, but I don’t speak Italian and I’m more interested in permanent residence in California. But I crave for Italian food from Italy itself… I’ve stayed in Udine and in Brugnera during separate holiday seasons, with my family and some family friends, years ago. And I’ve been to Rome on a ten day school trip.
If it were up to me, I would dash out of here and go on a short holiday on the 1st of October, because I want to be by myself or be with people without a negative view on me, in a new city I [or we? :D] can explore. But my mother’s birthday is on the 8th. Also, I don’t know where to be on the 2nd of October. Benoît’s birthday… I want a Cuddle :[. I’ve literally been holding back tears about this 24/7, since May 2017. If these haters would know all of the shit I’m not telling them… Where’s my B? :[
I want to be close to where B is, on the 2nd. I really wish I could give him a birthday hug [and Cishes¿ als dat mag…] and the author’s copy I’ve purchased for him… He lend me two books, after a “hang out” [please don’t mistake it for a synonym of “doing nothing”… we were talking about very serious things], so I think it’s cool to give him a book this time. I don’t even have a clue of in which country he is… There’s something so fishy going on here, and I know some people know much more about my parents calling the cops on us. I don’t want to “open verbal fire” about this topic by myself again, though. It always became 2+ against 1. I’ve been struggling with my heart rhythm. I know a discussion where it feels like you’re talking to a stack of bricks will make that issue A LOT greater.
My gut says they’ve imprisoned him. In the way I was interrogated, it really sounded like they wanted to frame him. But I’ve gone against the bias in the posing of their questions and I’ve said that he’s a good man and that I would rather leave with him, than with my parents [The truth, to this day..]. I hope my gut isn’t right :[. This situation is so strange… :[
Ah, meow, it’s 02:31 (AM)… Now it’ll be a late breakfast…
Thank you for reading my randomness
I love you! <3