Good morning <3
How’s your morning?
The sounds of thunder and rain leave me curled up in my bed. Fall and Winter are (the) Cuddle seasons at this distance of the equator. The constant cold and (semi-)sudden rain, hail or snow allow you to layer up however you want to. These seasons look so Cuddle on you! (Just like the other seasons :].)
I prefer snow. Especially if temperatures don’t go below zero slightly before or right afterwards (so it’s less slippery). It falls on your skin relatively softly. If you would have to choose between rain, hail or snow, what would you pick?
My Meow… To get this business off the ground at some point, I need a partnership with at least one Graeyniss. I need more subjects and/or holders of my private stock. This stock is only fruitful when D. O. C. I. S. International is selling the goods and services of more than one party. I don’t feel that comfortable with campaigning about anything, if I don’t have an impression of what my target audience [that’s you, my Meow] would get hyped over. I don’t come across hyped Graeynissis often, but I know you get hyped when no one’s watching… Which is so Cuddle :D. Haha let’s get hyped together?
My level of education, age and gender make it less easy for me to meet a Graeyniss. In the past I have been lucky and very happy to befriend one. This unfortunately backfired when we started to speak about making a documentary and my parents not wanting me to do business with someone they hadn’t met. We ended up arguing over this and they concluded that it’s more logical to label me as “psychotic” (and have two psychiatrists walk into my room out of nowhere) than that I actually befriended my Graeyniss. They forced me to take so many different types of antipsychotics and forbade me to go outside. I had so much evidence of this Graeyniss actually being my Graeyniss, but I was so shocked over my spoken words not being enough to be considered the truth, that I never showed it to them. They kept monitoring me, until I managed to run away and survive just a few months ago (to their fucking surprise -.-“) and then not having time for their monitoring and pills, because I managed to get myself a full time job at a company they would kill for to work at. When I requested my ESTA and during the job interview, I “should have mentioned that I am a schizophrenic (“who is not taking her medication”)”. I didn’t, because I DO NOT AGREE and nothing happend!!!!!!! On the phone with the people who needed my help hundreds of kilometers away, in “a crisis situation”, I wasn’t saying: “AAAHHH VOLGENSMIJ STAAT ER EEN GEEST NAAST JE,” or “ZEI JE NOU DAT JE IN GRIEKENLAND WAS?” While this person would then be in Spain or something. No. Even within the company, people from so many different departments have asked me for help. I perceive reality the way it truly is, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it this far. Also, my grades have been quite steady for someone “who should not be able to tell real from fake”. (I hate to use that perspective, which is the way my parents and other people in my environment perceive me.)
The talking about making a documentary happend around May 2017, I was locked in the house until October 2017, then I, at some point, ended up at the IJsselland Ziekenhuis, which was the first time for me to be away from my parents. When I had to wait for test results, and was allowed to go home, I didn’t want to go home. I also didn’t want any visitors, because the levels of pain I experienced became more intense the closer these flehs came to me. I was literally hiding underneath the sheets, freaked out by the thought of going back home. We had a lot of “Benoît is real” vs “Benoît isn’t real” arguments, which was way too intense for me.
All that time I was just hoping for him to somehow say something to me, so that I could show real life, real time evidence of his existence (and somehow spend much more time with him), and fucking sue those flehs for destoying my reputation and taking away my freedom. But I didn’t make use of the internet in that shameful period in my life… They figured the solution to me not wanting to do the “I am going to finish my education program and then spend all of my life climbing up in some business”-thing anymore (I (used to) say that to fit in), because I only wanted to focus on my sole proprietorship. I didn’t ask for anything – after my investment proposal I offered my parents was declined [and after that my father bought a Volvo XC90 (I am not allowed to drive), which then was the third car of this household, but they trashed the Mazda 6 sedan, that was still in a very good state, and at least 4 antminers and other Bitcoin generating computers were bought (two in THE LIVING ROOM), and he invested in this shady food business and is now making plans to buy and sell real estate internationally. They declined it because they weren’t certain if they were going to get it back (even though they could easily miss it) and I wanted to use it to pay for a summer course at Georgia Tech University, for which I needed a subject – my Graeyniss – to write and present about an accounting issue that emerges in my field, which was such an amazing opportunity for my sole proprietorship in PR. My Graeyniss said “yes” to being my subject, but that contributed to my parents saying “no”. Atlanta was too far and they didn’t know him, so they didn’t feel comfortable with him leaving with me (but that actually wasn’t even planned (yet???)), because he could be a rapist? And I am the “psychotic” person, around the end of October 2016 labeled as “schizophrenic” “because I still wasn’t over it”. If he would touch me, I would not mind at al……????(Fucking crazy “protective”….)] – but food, sometimes, after coming back from being transferred from one mental institution to another, because I didn’t want to leave the hospital bed, and I ended up giving in, because I thought “Oh, maybe I could use this as a second opinion”, but I was far too trapped in this system. Especially in my first two months in EMC (I turned 21 there, didn’t invite anyone), where I, even though I begged and actually had the right to, leave, because I was there on a voluntary basis and not with a warrant. I was allowed to leave after “showing that I took my medication”, and a few times answering “No” to the question “Do you still think about Benoît Crutzen?”. THEY HAVE ASKED ME THAT QUESTION FOR ABOUT A YEAR STRAIGHT. “Check my medical record…” :'(. I want that record wiped clean, because in it I am portrayed as insanity itself. It’s all lies! I can prove ittt!!! To work with some parties, I can’t have a medical record like that…
Random moments I vividly remember:
- I told this nurse I want to see my medical record. She asked me why. I said: “Because I want my medical record to show the truth, for my professional life. According to the Patriot Act, the American government is allowed to see Dutch medical records.” She replied: “Well, I assume you don’t want to work with the United States President.” WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE. Grrrrrr. What if I do???? (They would call me crazy for saying “I do”.) They didn’t allow me to view my medical record and propose corrections to this record.
Now that I’ve recently had the chance to keep in touch with another Graeyniss, hoping I don’t scare him off, I’m afraid to see history repeat itself… I can’t afford a lawyer against my parents and whatever mental institution they decide to team up with…] [to be continued]
Back home, I just wanted to focus on my business, without having a side-job or school, but these people did not want me to be at home so much, so they started to threaten me about having to look for a side job. At some point, [to be continued]
So let’s say I would get the chance to hang out with a Graeyniss or some Graeynissis, I probably won’t let anyone know… Maybe you should do the same? We can’t get caught… Otherwise the sheepy masses will think we’re having an affair, and then our reputations will be un-cuddled… Even though we’re immortal already? Who else has this Cuddle project…? By the time money hungry people from my generation take over my Graeynissis, I want to be safe on Planet Fang. Our corporate island state… Far away from this country, where there’s a back-up plan for: “One day, when the level of “you’re fucking around with nature too much when you let so many people live on such a small piece of ground and keep postponing serious measures” becomes too extreme, the sound you hear at 12 pm on the first Monday of the month, won’t be at 12 pm on the first Monday of the month, and then you know things are very messed up.” I live at the most unsafe location… The tunnel I walk through on my way to the metro station will close to safeguard (some parts of) Rotterdam, when water levels get too high. The neighborhood I live in will be flooded. “My strategy” is to somehow try to make it to the Erasmus University (but there is only one road as an exit of my neighborhood, towards the highway etc.), because there are high buildings there and the highest chance that they have some sort of emergency plan is there. Haha I might be labeled as crazy for having this strategy, just like that “famous crazy person” that was on the news decades ago for saying “Klaas Komt”, but the threat of a new water catastrophe is real… Let’s run, my Graeyniss…
The messages that pop up on my phone that are considerd “breaking news” right now… “*Names of famous people I don’t know* were wearing this today to *some event or private location*”… I really don’t give a fuck hahahahahaha. When I try to delete the app, it just deletes its updates :[. I want to have alternative “news media”. This is also in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, just like making a movie, making a documentary (+ new tv channel…) and so many other things.
16:58 (04:58 PM)
My sister’s piano lesson starts at 21:15. I will be driving her there. Now that I’m writing this, I still need to complete the “to be continued parts”. Before this, I’ll be making an overview of the pages of the chapters I need to look at to find a suitable answer @ my two final statistics exams. Oh and warm up the left-overs.
17:21 (05:21 PM)
I tried to call my other grandmother to ask her if she would like to come over for dinner tomorrow. I have taken care of her for a while, a few months ago. Then she had too many “verbal aggression fits of dementia” at me, she was able to walk again (by taking aspirines……..?¿) and my father has obliged her to not invite me over into her house anymore, because he was getting tired of her accusing me of stealing over and over again. When she accuses me of stealing from her, I always asked her: “Why would I steal that from you?” What do I need her silverware for?
Before I left for the U. S., I took some metros earlier to get the right train and in the meantime bring her mangoes from a friend of her’s in Suriname. [I was in the Netherlands for only three days when I visited her.] She didn’t want to come with us, unfortunately.
I gave back her house keys, because the “thuiszorg” needed the keys of the house to come in, on the day I stopped taking care of her (I slept next to her for more than a week (the guest room is too cold)). Because she needed a house key herself. She goes to the hairdresser once a week. Dinner gets delivered every day.
I’m going to call again.
17:58 (05:58 PM)
She doesn’t pick up…? Other than going to the hairdresser, she doesn’t really do much.
The last time I spoke to her was a few days before my parents left, I think? I didn’t spend that much time around the house phone when I was working.
It feels quite random talking about my grandmother here, but this is far from usual. I have suggested many “activities for the (surinamese (or Surinamese?)) elderly” to her, to maybe get her to enjoy life a little bit more (her suicidal thoughts… I had called her physician, who came over for a consult, but she didn’t want any help (why is she allowed to choose?)).
I have texted my father. Hopefully he’ll say that she was going to meet up with someone or that she went to her gymnastics class… (But she hasn’t been doing that lately.) She didn’t want to move to a “private” retirement center and the “public” retirement centers don’t have space for her (there’s basically a “waiting list”, or certain liabilities you need to have for being allowed to enter that facility. I don’t want to go there by myself… I’m too scared…. His flight back to the Netherlands is on Saturday.
19:51 (07:51 PM)
I have been able to reach her. The conversation was 18:12 mins long. She doesn’t want to come over, because she doesn’t want to lie down and watch TV here. There was no need for me to worry :D. (And you were the only one to know! Haha if there’s one thing I don’t like, it is sharing my deepest emotions via text messages. It’s like people talk for laughs, but their sense of humor sucks so bad. I still laugh about it, though. It makes me sad when someone tells a joke and no one laughs.)
21:41 (09:41 PM)
I have worked on the version of Nosce Te Ipsum that will be re-published, before I came here. I finally have the possibility to ask my former piano teacher some things about Jazz chords. Before I started to study at Erasmus University (in 2016. For three months…), I have been coming here every week, since I was about 10.
Bhahahaha okay, my Cuddle, you know how I always do a lot of work within a short period of time, right? I want to do this even faster :D. I do NOT want to wait until the end of September to release my new episode. (Haha I want to have it released now! And then have you as my subject and go on a business adventure (since this concept it new…) together!) I hope to have it ready before my parents come back… Let’s R. U. N. :D. “Haha just kidding”…. I just want my own place and then later a different political system within my own state (far away from those who don’t want this).
Ha – ha, I have been smoking a lottt of weed lately. I mean more than usual…?
23:32 (11:32 PM)
I want to plan an overnight Tea Party?
I’m afraid no one will show up? It has been a while since I have thrown a party. I’m not that active on other social media anymore.
Haha this is not “another project X”. I should adapt the location to some place able to “carry” a number towards the “top margin” of what the amount of “I am in” saying votes is.
But PLEASE WAIT before you click (the times you’re allowed to vote is limited. This to obtain the most accurate results). I’m still working on the poll!! This is a draft!
Remember, my Cuddle, this should be our diary. The results of the poll are public.
Only I can see what “other” says? [Not yet?]
By “please wait”, I mean don’t vote yet, because your answer will not be processed, then, since it’s not done yet. The poll.
The reality planned might be more wild than what would be considered “a tea party”. But you knew that already ;). I don’t have a Netflix account :D. The last time I have watched a series (? serie = Dutch. I misspelled it “haha”) was somewhere in March. I think it was March… I watched a few episodes of Archer (the cartoon series).
I ALWAYS WRITE WHEN I’M HIGH. [At least 40% of my posts this far for sure…]
You, my Cuddle who wants to Cuddle, are invited to The Fangs Tea Party <3. What’s the point of inviting someone who doesn’t want to come? 😀
The poll is ready to be clicked on / touched :D. Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa…… It’s 02:42 AM now. Hi there, 5 Cuddles who have just voted, who, thus, are “online right now” :D. I want to ask you so many more things! Haha are you ready to party? Is it the “Niss” in the Graeyniss that makes you not able to openly say that you would like to form a partnership with me? Haha the content I have been sharing has not made it very easy to publicly share interest in LilFangs.com. But could you please vote…? <3! I would love to finally be public Cuddles! I hope you do too… (To cover the scale we could contribute to human evolution on: please nudge your fellow Graeynissis…)
I wish I could send invitations based on IP address…
“I’ll be dreaming about that.” “Ha-ha.” <3
Good night, my Sweetniss
Still awake :D. I just made the first “poll article”. I am curious to know how large my current audience is. And how many of them would want to spend time with me…
I say “tomorrow” after waking up from my “end-of-day” sleep.
“Speaking of “members of the inner cabinet, who don’t know each other’s identity””: let’s make the Tea Party masked?
Haha prrr, my meow. To be unmasked sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. Would you like to accompany me on this ride?
The “time span” for “polling” is “as soon as possible” ahahahahah :D. (Definitely not longer than a week :D.)