My Catjes ♥
It has been years since I longed for a weekend. I really need this time to recuperate, work on my apartment and catch up mastering course material.
But to make myself enjoy my bath more, I took care of my bedroom first. Putting together the drawers for underneath my bed and organizing my clothing.
In my routine of lectures and cooking and my visit to the Netherlands et cetera, it felt like I had no time to think. Soaking in this tub, taking a moment to reflect on myself, especially reflecting on the moment itself (enjoying my bath tub in my own place for the first time), came with a calm that felt like a high.
Thoughts about my business, my aspirations, my projects (want to get to processing my research data tomorrow, If I don’t spend all day on maths course material) started to well up as well, but I’m not settled into my studies enough to focus on those other things, so I had to suppress those thoughts. There’s much more at stake in regard to my studies, in comparison to the state of my business.
As in the government wants me to unsubscribe my business because of the little revenue I make. I don’t want to unsuvscribe it, but I can just do that and still pursue my business aspirations and when I then start to make crazy figures, they should not come knocking. (On top of that, entrepeneurs under the age of 25 should get special tax regulations, I believe should become a thing.)
But for my studies – if I wouldn’t have done mathematics at the Open University, I would be struggling like crazy here because this does not comply with what I learnt in high school – there is much more at stake, because if I fuck up, I lose my home. So I’m under trippy pressure to perform and aim for straight A’s, though I have a lot to do to succeed in that. (And yes there are more reasons to perform well, but the roof above my head private space one weighs the heaviest emotionally.)
Two days ago, at the end of my appointment with dokter Helberg, he mentioned that he was going to give a reading about racism. That racism should be treated as a psychiatric disease.
I could find myself in his words. I consider racism a type of schizophrenia. Though I think the best way to cure that problem of racism being hard-wired in someone’s brain is to simply assassinate that person, because there is no way to ever make a racist think differently. And it will save a lot of people a lot of suffering.
There are not many people of my descent in this country (and in the world in general). In the Netherlands already I’ve had bad experiences with racism. I wonder what this will be like here in Belgium, in the long run. If I’d be discriminated here (as long as it is not mentioned out loud, it is hard for me to notice), it would be much harder for me to find support, because the far great majority of people is not of my descent and to get their support is harder, because for them that could be considered “turning against your own kind”.
I’ve lived in isolation for so long I forgot about racism. (Which makes me miss that isolation a little.) Now, being in large crowds of people, I wonder who is a racist. I feel people stare at me and talk, for example walking though the Action with my shopping basket over capacity.
What I am writing towards is that I hope that, because I already need to work twice as hard because I’m a social sciences student of origin, I don’t have to work four times as hard because of racism. I already dealt with that shit in high school and before high school. I hope my academic supervisors will not contribute to that. I don’t know. I’m just worried. My worry makes me afraid to exchange words in general. (On top of the fact that I’m different from my fellow students in general. Different age, different background, different way of talking, different reasons to study, different interests. Those characteristics are unique for everyone.)
During the break yesterday, my new friend and I were handed a folder and were told information about an Afro-Belgian student association. I’m interested in meeting other students, and will probably go, but I’d rather be with a culturally mixed association. With the emphasis on mixed.
I’ve lived in ‘s Gravenland for the greatest part of my life, so I know what it’s like to be an ethnic minority. (Among some people who would rather not have you live in their neighborhood.) It is now the intercultural dependency (as in the person grading me, the people for whom I will defend my thesis et cetera… The academic world consists mostly of Caucasians) that worries me more than ever.
Anyway my stomach is growling, my family will be here in a few and I want to go past the laundry store and the supermarket before they arrive. Talk to you later. xxx
14:39 (02:39 PM) [GMT -2]