Everything I do is very controversial. Choosing this header image of an old picture on which I do not smile, for example, could easily be misunderstood. This time, that is by means of “showing what not to do”. It is even more because I am so tired of all of those “rules” we need to follow to not be judged negatively (online). Line spacing, what to not show on the background of a picture, simplifications, consistent grammar formats…. I’m breaking a lot of those rules, because I’m tired of them. There are so many of those them, that there is almost no room for real creativity anymore.

It is one of the reasons why I have no other option but to go back to the university – FAST(!!!!) – and attempt to be alternatively educated. By alternatively educated, I mean being allowed to show my understanding of  the course material, by (creatively) writing essays and other forms of prose [unless you prefer poems 🙂 ], instead of doing the dreadful homework questions and discussing homework questions during a class [a booklet with explained answers is much easier for me 🙁 ]. While writing my motivation letter, I thought of so many truths of mine, which I wanted to mention, but they do not fit into the “I need to come off as a brave student, who will get very high grades and not ask too much of your attention”-scope that would make me admissible. What I truly want – freedom in education and some Graeynissis to work with and befriend – does not even fit that scope. So I decided to “break the rules” (especially that of the maximum of 400 words) and turn it into a “alternative education meets business”-proposal.

What not to include in that motivation letter, is, according to the rules, everything I have written in mine. That does not have to instantly mean that I will be rejected… I still have to submit it! As I am writing this, I still need to proofread it for the last time. (It’s now 00:36 (12:36 AM) on the 20th of January, but I saved this draft earlier than that, so the publication date is the 19th.) When I’m done, I’ll show it to you, in this same article :).

By means of understanding my format: the assignment for the motivation letter was to, in 400 words or less, tell something about your social methods to integrate in an international environment, give three reasons why to study that exact program in that exact city and mention something about your goals after the course. I start with my goals, because that is my most important reason to want to study that program, and it was an easier way to start about my business and how I could blend that in with my study.

It’s now 02:58 (AM) and I have fully submitted my application… (Sometimes I just wish that I was a simple student with high grades. That gives a lot more certainty in life.) When I hear any news about it, you will be the first to know! (By keeping up with my diary from here.)

Here is my motivation letter (of 2561 words…) [this version is without indents]:

A Truly One-of-a-Kind Incentive

If there is one thing that life has taught me the hard way, in the past two years of my existence, it is that achieving my future goals, which will make me a happy and successful person, who will then not have tachycardia anymore, is impossible, without at least a bachelor’s degree from a good, internationally oriented university.

Within ten years from now, my alternative sole proprietorship in publishing, should be an internationally acknowledged multinational source of (new) knowledge and wisdom. The brand of D.O.C.I.S. International should deliver an acceptable balance between (independent) research and entertainment (both challenging and approachable). Many ideas of mine, for research (most of it relates to developing a more eco-friendly economic system), I also intend to put into practice, within that same span of time.

Plenty of reasons have encouraged me to apply for the double bachelor in Economics and Econometrics at the only internationally acknowledged university in Rotterdam.

Firstly, the Erasmus School of Economics is very well-ranked, so this is most certainly a step in the right direction, when it comes to achieving my acknowledgement and goals. If I do not become successful in doing business, I now know with beyond full certainty, that my future lies in the world of academics. (This is what I realized, after having experienced the “traditional” minimum wage 40-hours-work-week, while being a student at The Open University. To me, being happy is impossible without a real challenge that includes diversity, and only around ambitious great thinkers, I can truly be myself. Only at the university, I might be able to find some of those people, I have noticed.)

Secondly, it is a strong desire of mine, to be able to make my own mathematical models. And it is my wish to learn all about Behavioral Economics (and Evolutionary Economics… and “international government” related finance), for many of my research ideas.

Finally, I want to finish what I started, back in 2016, but want to aim higher than I did before. I want to greatly distinguish myself. My original intention was to do this by becoming successful with the PR business I funded, right when the first year of the International Bachelor in Economics and Business Economics started. Due to the effort my sole proprietorship required from me, as well as some personal circumstances, the lack of time to study was so severe that my results at the University did not resemble my competence, so that led to the decision of me ending my short life as a full-time student. The decision was based on what could make me successful quicker, due to the limited time to calmly focus available, and my impatience for success and (financial) independency.

Now, the greatness of my endeavor is one of the factors that has led to me being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and those who once said that they care about me, turning their backs against me, altogether at once. With the diagnosis, I do not and never will agree. I believe in what I stand for and no shrink or deadly cocktail of antipsychotics will ever be able to change that. What should change is that the “You say you want to do all of these great things, but you couldn’t even finish your first year at the Erasmus University [so just get a job and a small apartment]”-argument still exists today. No one understands my decision – not obligation – to end my studies. But maybe after graduating cum laude and proving that accomplishing my goals really is possible, by showing my strategies in practice, that argument will not be valid anymore and – maybe after also having obtained something in Law and clarifying my unsolved and suppressed case in official terms – that awful diagnosis could be taken out of my files, and hopefully something against the horrifying inhumanity of the psychiatric system could be put in motion. Then earning enough to distance myself from those who have hurt me, might be possible, too.

(I would also like to finish the (concept of the) research project, Dr. Crutzen and I spoke of, after I had quit my studies, which included ideas for an extensive PR campaign, for which I now have a set of much better suggestions. But talking about that out loud [the only reason why I did that, was because I was forced to] was the main factor that made me end up with that absurd diagnosis (“because professors do not talk to drop-outs” (and brain-to-brain communication cannot exist…)), which is why I write this in between brackets, with much hesitance, and I have not been able to reach him in the physical realm ever since, and I am still stuck with so many questions, ever since I ran away from home because of the endless psychiatric surveillance against my will and my parents got us hunted by police [an awful move that damaged the reputation of me [it made me unsubscribe my PR business L], him and (indirectly) the university [I do not know what exact news went viral. All I know is some vague story people told me months later], which should never have happened, because the drama was solely between me and my parents, who forbade me to do business with him at the very beginning, for no legitimate reason!], which makes me feel sad, lonely and unsafe constantly, which contributes to my tachycardia. I do not understand why he does not respond to my e-mails anymore… I guess our contact would make more sense if I were a student and/or his research apprentice, and my intelligence were acknowledged. (He does not lecture the double bachelor program, but I find that I should aim higher than I did last time, when it comes to education, and do this for myself, even though…))

International environments in the city where I grew up in, are my specialty! I know a lot about the history of the city and I know all about fun locations to visit (even outside Rotterdam), so for the basics of being new in a city, I make up a very good and comfortable guide. This is what I noticed at the Eureka Week in 2016, where I easily made friends (even with people who studied completely different programs (including a master student in finance)).

Other proofs of my ability to smoothly function in an environment with people from very different backgrounds, are that when I was a student at The Open University, last year, I have spent a lot of time travelling the world (by myself), and everywhere I went, I easily met new people; my business aspirations are very international, so my eyes are always open, seeking for (useful) international contacts; and being of the third generation of my family here in the Netherlands, as well as having attended a multicultural gymnasium (school) in the city center of Rotterdam, I know all about being foreign in a foreign country (even though I was born here and Surinam is a former Dutch colony, I am often still considered foreign) and being around foreign people.

What, to me, is even more interesting than bonding with bachelor students, is bonding with anyone else up the academic ladder. The higher, the better. They are part of my target audience (and probably one of the few people, able to actually understand what I say). A better way to combine my learning process with my business aspirations, while making the content of my personal blog (LilFangs.com) – updated daily – a lot more fun, would, for example, be by writing essays about the contents of the course subjects, while getting to know all about my target audience and their aspirations. (Are you looking for a publisher who wants to go the extra mile for you? 🙂 )

There are so many ideas I have for a thesis, that that is the only part that truly excites me about studying until I am old and grey, living after my aspirations for a career in research. It would be amazing if I were allowed to write a (set of) book(s) of essays [including examples of calculations and plots from my personal life. From Edgeworth boxes, to financial statements, to… concepts that will be completely new to me], as proof that I have the knowledge that will suit my future title(s), followed by my dream thesis, within a period of shorter than four years, because without that acknowledgement, it is not possible for my business to thrive, and I currently do not even have a place to call home. I would like to be able to call myself successful before I am 25, and I wish to be able to afford to live in a climate that is less cold and ecologically dangerous.

The past two years of my life, let me realize that nowhere else in life, there is a comfortable environment where I can truly be myself and receive the right support, on my very unconventional path. Only a university can be my safe haven. With the alternative path of education, proposed in this (alternative) motivation letter, it could be made possible for me to learn more independently, develop my creativity further and continue to actively chase my dreams. The scope of my goals touches on so many fields that, truthfully, with my essays, I would love to cover every subject the University offers (and more…).

One particular research interest of mine, lies in the city where the university is located at. It relates to eustasy (speaking of ecologically dangerous) and evacuation – not necessarily something for Economics and Econometrics, but it is a very heavyweight aspect of “my “identity”” [or just being born in the wrong country… If you are Dutch and reading this… The concept of identity lies beyond location, I believe, so if this country floods and we will live elsewhere, only that heroic and historic journey defines your identity…]. The information I need about this – for future survival and peace of mind – is not easy to find as written text, because all of the public becoming aware of it (again) could lead to chaos. It lives forward in individuals, who are hard to find, but I hope to be able to find some of them at the Erasmus University.

Something I have been dreaming about, is doing this “research meets business meets entertainment meets actively changing the world”-project I have been having in mind for a very long time. To start to define it here would turn this motivation letter into a book, and to receive a “no” for it after all of that effort and thinking about it, would break my heart, so for now I am keeping it to myself, by means of limiting my potential heartache. (But it is all over my blog, so you can read all about it, if you are interested. (I really hope you are!))

What I would love to know even more than if I am considered the right student for a double bachelor in Economics and Econometrics, is if the University is open to giving me permission to follow the alternative route, proposed in this motivation letter? If that is so, I would love to meet in person, with those who are willing to accept me as his/her apprentice, to discuss the details of it.

Excuse my exceeding of the maximum amount of words! And the overly frequent use of brackets… This happened because I had to emphasize the true incomparable uniqueness of my case and its many reasons why, the slight powerlessness my personal situation brings, as well as that I truthfully do not want to go back to the high-school-like routine with (mandatory) classes and homework and uninterested students, having no clue what they want in life, while I am so much further and getting a grade for answering fixed questions, while the knowledge is so much more fun in practice, and then comparing myself to others, and then keeping that up post post-doc level…

There are no guidelines for the type of request that I have sent you, because it seems like no one else has done this before (either). But enrolling as a student, seems the only way to start a conversation about this. I just want to [(for example) obtain as much as a “simple” letter of recommendation for my ability to] do (independent) research and I am very certain that only I am the perfect apprentice for that. The double bachelor starts in September, but I prefer to start tomorrow…

Apprentices are extremely old-school… That will be indirect (neo-)neo-neoclassicism! Accepting me as one will make not only me stand out. It will be great for the University as well. (We could make 2017’s bad publicity undone…) Especially for everyone involved in this unique process, because ultimately, we will be writing the future’s history. This step is so one-of-a-kind, and its merit will literally change the world, because that is my [may I say “our”?] endeavor!

If I am admitted to the Erasmus University (again), I will quit my studies at The Open University, where I am currently still registered, without having enrolled in any modules (because I cannot afford any).

If learning directly from the master – for my questions are too specific and can be answered by no one else – is not an option, then please forget that I ever proposed that and please forget my thoughts about the student-life. This is a literal do or die, to me, so if my early shot at official research is off the table, I will bravely fold myself in my desk chair [but first I will have to magically get the money and space to buy a proper chair and a reasonable desk (and clothing that will make me feel confident and look representative) hahaha please helppp… my basic needs… (The household’s income is too high to apply for a scholarship, but I am in debt, with zero real support, and that will get worse, with that tuition fee (loan)…)] and force myself to memorize every single thing, and answer every single homework question, like my life depends on it. Because it literally does. My self-constructed house on my independent island, far away from this barbarian world, is not going to fund and govern itself…

Thank you so much for reading my motivation letter. I hope my publishing company will be of great service to you, in the (near) future. Because I want (alternative) research publishing to be one of my specialties, success is not possible without the support of a good university.

For further correspondence: my business e-mail address d.elia@docis.international is currently the mailbox with the least incoming e-mails [long story…], and I do not want to risk missing out on any messages sent by you. (This was also what I was trying to change my e-mail address to in Studielink, but only my former account credentials are accepted. Probably because this all goes via my old student number, with the e-mail address I used at that time…) My mobile phone number is +31618579724, in case anyone is interested in phoning (or texting) me. There are so many things I want to explain and mention, still! That is why this article continues, where this letter stops [this is a link]. I look forward to a time with only positive memories and fruitful (new) knowledge 🙂 .


It includes a lot of personal drama – consciously emphasized with the and … and … and [it is a lot and it is not elaborated on] – which I have mentioned, because this burden is ruining my life and nonsense like this has been affecting my study focus all my life. Including it feels like such a major “breaking the rules” (negatively), but I can’t help that I am in this situation 🙁 . A full-time occupation at the University, accompanied by sweet Graeynissis, would solve all of that at once, for all eternity. There is nothing else I want in life. (Yeah besides emigrating to some place sunny and ecologically safe, together with my Graeynissis… And the tangibles of that Thesis…)